1. How to tell if you are a Ravens-Neck:
2. Kick in the Ass
I feel for you Shermo, I do. All things considered, both teams should have lost this week.
Colt 45s was by far the biggest disappointment of week 1 (other than the afore
mentioned Egg the Ravens laid on Sunday Night). But, the Tanks didn’t give up. They
knew they were facing the most elusive QB in the league on Monday Night, but that didn’
t stop them. They went out and sacked ‘Superman’ 4 times. And even recovered a pair of
fumbles and had an INT. But it was all for naught, the enthusiasm waned in the final
quarter as Green Akers knocked one through (after missing two earlier in the game –
what is up with veteran kickers these days). There will be brighter days for the Tanks
ahead, but they may not come until Vegas ’06….with the first pick…
3. Toilet Bowl Cleaner
BY’s draft analysis aside, I felt the two worst teams coming out of AC was our reigning
Toilet Bowl award winner and Brock’s Bandito’s. But as Boomer would say, THAT’S WHY
THEY PLAY THE GAME. The two potential cellar dwellers were actually the top two
scorers in the league this week. Unfortunately for all of Saco, Maine, Rod Gardner was a
late scratch vs the Saints and the Bandits fell to Willie Ponder and the Jacobins by less
than 2 points. Dave, keep on scrubbing, no way the G-men put up those numbers again.
As for Brock, I would have much rather seen you win than those damn Patriots. Even
your fans seemed bored last Thursday. Enough winning already.
4. From Russia with Love
A. Smith – TE, Tampa Bay. How is that our commie GM from Russia was able to pick up the
first waiver wire wonder of the season (other than my man Willie)? By my estimates
(which are not correct) it was 3AM when Nickolai added the Bucs Tight End. Was he
listening on a transistor radio? Do the Russians have spy planes watching the NFL? Who
really is running those Goodyear Blimps I ask. We will be watching you my friend, treason
is punishable by something worse than death, being kicked out of the ROFF. Watch yo
back, sucka!
5. Oh Willie Your So Fine
Here’s where I compliment my own team. Sorry about the bias, but -- Willie Parker is a
god. Not they god, but god like. (Groundhog Day reference there for you movie buffs).
Anyways, back to Willie. Oh Willie. 161 yards rushing in only 3 quarters. Over 200 total
yards. Throw in a touchdown, 20+ fantasy points, and you have stolen my heart. I ask you,
Mr. William Cowher, please continue to start this man the rest of the season. Feed him
the ball and let Big Ben take the credit. Just keep Duce and the Bus warm for the
playoffs. Who needs them in the regular season? Leave it Willie, I beg of you. I will even
trade you Deshaun Foster, ok, that doesn’t make sense, but its worth a shot, right?
- If you find yourself doing shots of Wild Turkey while tailgating for the big game, you
might be a Ravens-Neck. - If you are wearing camouflage pants that would only disguise you if you were in a
vat of grape juice, you might be a Ravens-Neck. - If you cheer when your starting quarterback is carried off the field, you may be a
Ravens-Neck. - If you throw full beer bottles that cost $7 a piece at Colts fans, miss, and hit another
Ravens fan who happens to be a woman, you may be kicked out of the stadium...
and an idiot. - If you can’t hit a field goal and are playing against the most precise quarterback in
the NFL, you are going to lose.
2. Kick in the Ass
I feel for you Shermo, I do. All things considered, both teams should have lost this week.
Colt 45s was by far the biggest disappointment of week 1 (other than the afore
mentioned Egg the Ravens laid on Sunday Night). But, the Tanks didn’t give up. They
knew they were facing the most elusive QB in the league on Monday Night, but that didn’
t stop them. They went out and sacked ‘Superman’ 4 times. And even recovered a pair of
fumbles and had an INT. But it was all for naught, the enthusiasm waned in the final
quarter as Green Akers knocked one through (after missing two earlier in the game –
what is up with veteran kickers these days). There will be brighter days for the Tanks
ahead, but they may not come until Vegas ’06….with the first pick…
3. Toilet Bowl Cleaner
BY’s draft analysis aside, I felt the two worst teams coming out of AC was our reigning
Toilet Bowl award winner and Brock’s Bandito’s. But as Boomer would say, THAT’S WHY
THEY PLAY THE GAME. The two potential cellar dwellers were actually the top two
scorers in the league this week. Unfortunately for all of Saco, Maine, Rod Gardner was a
late scratch vs the Saints and the Bandits fell to Willie Ponder and the Jacobins by less
than 2 points. Dave, keep on scrubbing, no way the G-men put up those numbers again.
As for Brock, I would have much rather seen you win than those damn Patriots. Even
your fans seemed bored last Thursday. Enough winning already.
4. From Russia with Love
A. Smith – TE, Tampa Bay. How is that our commie GM from Russia was able to pick up the
first waiver wire wonder of the season (other than my man Willie)? By my estimates
(which are not correct) it was 3AM when Nickolai added the Bucs Tight End. Was he
listening on a transistor radio? Do the Russians have spy planes watching the NFL? Who
really is running those Goodyear Blimps I ask. We will be watching you my friend, treason
is punishable by something worse than death, being kicked out of the ROFF. Watch yo
back, sucka!
5. Oh Willie Your So Fine
Here’s where I compliment my own team. Sorry about the bias, but -- Willie Parker is a
god. Not they god, but god like. (Groundhog Day reference there for you movie buffs).
Anyways, back to Willie. Oh Willie. 161 yards rushing in only 3 quarters. Over 200 total
yards. Throw in a touchdown, 20+ fantasy points, and you have stolen my heart. I ask you,
Mr. William Cowher, please continue to start this man the rest of the season. Feed him
the ball and let Big Ben take the credit. Just keep Duce and the Bus warm for the
playoffs. Who needs them in the regular season? Leave it Willie, I beg of you. I will even
trade you Deshaun Foster, ok, that doesn’t make sense, but its worth a shot, right?
Oh those Purple Camo Pants!
| David Akers celebrates his defeat of the Shermtanks |
| Scrub that bowl clean Dave |
| That glare is a camera sending images back to Nick in Russia from Tampa Bay. |
| UNC just didn’t know what they had. |
| Week 1: Live from the Top Row |