Welcome to the second edition of the C.O.P. This time, we’re taking down Mardi Gras.
Well let’s see, Jarrett didn’t drink, Marc took one of the funniest spills of all time, VA made someone his bitch, Kiss became a demigod, Jason was badabababa loving it, Brian
had the funniest consecutive two minutes of his life and I said yes to Chlamydia and no to Britney Spears.
I mean these are the little things you miss when you don’t join the ROFFL at Mardi Gras. I will connect every person to their corresponding comment throughout the article, but I
will sum up the weekend with this simple statement: Mardi Gras 2007 was one of the greatest weekends I’ve ever had in my life.
Let’s begin from the beginning:
Jarrett and I flew down to NoLa through St. Louis. It was on this flight that we were seated next to possibly the two most annoying women you could ever want to meet. One of
them was fairly attractive; the other was pretty fugly (though both said they were waitresses at Scores – West Side). The first half of our flight was brutal, these girls were loud and
obnoxious and getting drunker by the second (I counted something like 12 Sky Blue Vodka bottles by the end of the flight). It got to the point where I had to hold Jarrett down, he
wanted to fight I think.
After we arrived in St. Louis (I bought a snow globe) the girls decided to do a switcheroo on the flight to New Orleans. Apparently the fairly attractive one was fairly attracted to me
and switched seats with a guy sitting next to me. We talked for the entire plane ride from St. Louis to New Orleans and I learned two things: 1) Don’t act retarded on a plane,
people will judge you, 2) I really do prefer sober girls to drunken ones. As I spoke with this girl, she was sobering up and we ended up having a nice conversation the rest of the
way. We exchanged numbers, and I never saw her again.
Arriving in New Orleans was special, the rest of the crew was there waiting for Jarrett and I in our rented SUV and we were off to a weekend to remember….
Of course, this is where the details get a little hazy. I can’t get into all the specifics for several reasons, but the most obvious one is that I can’t really remember them all. So I’ll
just attack some of the highlights:
To sum up the weekend in a paragraph or column is pretty impossible, but I will say this: It was the greatest 4-day stretch I’ve had since my trip to London in January 2003. It had
everything I needed; my closest friends, Karaoke, food, drinks, tits, and quotes. I loved it, I loved it all, and I love you all.
Well let’s see, Jarrett didn’t drink, Marc took one of the funniest spills of all time, VA made someone his bitch, Kiss became a demigod, Jason was badabababa loving it, Brian
had the funniest consecutive two minutes of his life and I said yes to Chlamydia and no to Britney Spears.
I mean these are the little things you miss when you don’t join the ROFFL at Mardi Gras. I will connect every person to their corresponding comment throughout the article, but I
will sum up the weekend with this simple statement: Mardi Gras 2007 was one of the greatest weekends I’ve ever had in my life.
Let’s begin from the beginning:
Jarrett and I flew down to NoLa through St. Louis. It was on this flight that we were seated next to possibly the two most annoying women you could ever want to meet. One of
them was fairly attractive; the other was pretty fugly (though both said they were waitresses at Scores – West Side). The first half of our flight was brutal, these girls were loud and
obnoxious and getting drunker by the second (I counted something like 12 Sky Blue Vodka bottles by the end of the flight). It got to the point where I had to hold Jarrett down, he
wanted to fight I think.
After we arrived in St. Louis (I bought a snow globe) the girls decided to do a switcheroo on the flight to New Orleans. Apparently the fairly attractive one was fairly attracted to me
and switched seats with a guy sitting next to me. We talked for the entire plane ride from St. Louis to New Orleans and I learned two things: 1) Don’t act retarded on a plane,
people will judge you, 2) I really do prefer sober girls to drunken ones. As I spoke with this girl, she was sobering up and we ended up having a nice conversation the rest of the
way. We exchanged numbers, and I never saw her again.
Arriving in New Orleans was special, the rest of the crew was there waiting for Jarrett and I in our rented SUV and we were off to a weekend to remember….
Of course, this is where the details get a little hazy. I can’t get into all the specifics for several reasons, but the most obvious one is that I can’t really remember them all. So I’ll
just attack some of the highlights:
- Jarrett deciding not to drink. At the start of the weekend Jarrett’s dry Mardi Gras was being mocked. But, Jarrett’s decision to remain sober saved us time and money
because he became our designated designated driver. This would prove to be invaluable. Thanks JB.
- On our last night out, Sunday, we were walking down Bourbon Street back to our car. Marc was in one of those drunk moods where he felt he could say hi and high-five
every girl (and group of girls) that walked by us. Now I was walking behind him almost the whole trip back and didn’t see one girl give a good response, which was funny
in its own right, but what was really funny is what happened moments later. Before I go on, It’s important to note that walking down Bourbon during Mardi Gras is a hazard
zone. There are so many beads it’s like the scene in animal house when Flounder throws the marbles out during the parade. Well, our commish took one of the biggest
spills I’ve ever seen. So much so, that I’m laughing about it as I type this. It was one of those slow motion falls that you could see coming, but could not stop. Marc would
later tell Jarrett and I that he wasn’t that drunk and that it was primarily the beads fault. Though it is worth mentioning here, no one else fell.
- Our first night out, VA and I (and everyone else) realized how intoxicating catching beads was. It didn’t make sense. In fact, it doesn’t make sense. Why on earth would I
care about catching beads? I haven’t a clue. But the truth is all I cared about for 4 days was catching as many beads as possible. By the end of the first parade VA was
already becoming a pro at finding the right wholes in the zone to catch plenty of beads. This would be a huge help to him when we ventured onto Bourbon Street and
people from their balconies were tossing us the goods. At one of later stops on the first night VA noticed a guy on a balcony throwing beads differently than other people.
This guy was head hunting. I mean he really wanted to hurt someone. So VA did the only thing that seemed rational, he called that motherfucker out. VA kept on
screaming at the guy, asking him to throw as hard as he could. Finally, VA turned his head slightly and the beads came shooting down. With the reflexes of a cheetah, VA
stuck his hand in the air and caught the beads. Then he uttered a few of the most famous words of the weekend, “Yo, I just made you my bitch!” Needless to say, we got
a laugh out of it.
- The hospitality: There’s no way to express how grateful we were to Rich. What he did for us during our trip to NoLa was immeasurable. From a place to stay, to getting
us on the balcony with James Gandolfini (twice!), to giving us a tour of the Lower 9th Ward, the levees, and other zones destroyed by the hurricane, Rich made us feel at
home 1000 miles away. He also took us to Sonic for the first time, which lead to some great photos and a bitchy waitress. Having friends like Rich and Marc pay
dividends all the time. Not only are they great people, but they really know how to make their friends feel at home. Thanks again Rich, now go fuck yourself.
- As far as Jason’s “badabababa I’m loving it” reference, or Jason’s McRib reference? Well, I’m not too sure how much I can write, but it’s never good to be compared to
McDonalds twice in one weekend. So let me write about another Jason-related story. This one takes place at Target (that’s right we even had a memorable moment in a
Target). After the first cold night of Mardi Gras the guys thought it would be a good idea to get some gloves (note: Rich and I didn’t care much for this, but I think that’s
because we have, you know, a penis). Our search would lead us to Target, after breakfast at IHOP (which saw the brothers Sherman devour food on more than a half-
dozen plates). Well you can’t eat food like that without having to go, and the brothers ended up dropping a deuce in Target. While the duo were in the Water Closet Jarrett
came up with the idea of applauding each Sherman as they walked out. Now on paper that only sounds marginally funny but for some reason the rest of us went along
with it. The first Sherman to leave the lavatory was the younger one. When Brian came out, the rest of us started to applaud which got a HUGE reaction from the ENTIRE
Target staff. I mean they really started to crack up. This lead to several employees coming over to help clap for Jay (this would have been great but the employees were
yelled at by their boss “these gentlemen don’t work for Target! You do!). We could see Jay washing his hands as another man walked out of the bathroom. I shh’d the
employees and sure enough, EVERYONE applauds Jason coming out of the bathroom. It was a great moment, handled very well by both Sherman’s. It was also one of
two GREAT ideas Jarrett had this weekend.
- I’ve known Brian since I went to J.C.C. summer camp. We’ve been close friends since we were 16 (ten years for those counting). Tank (the original one) has never been
known as the funny one. Now, I think he’s hilarious, but jokes are not his forte. I’ve consistently said that his funniest moment happened about 6 years ago. Brian, Jarrett
and I were out with about 5 or 6 girls (and yes, this IS a true story) and I was on a bit of a roll, I even had one girl crying from laughter. I remember discussing the term
mofo and, at the time, how much I loved that damn phrase. Now back in the day I used to call going to the movies, going to the “mo’s,” I actually still do this. So Brian, very
nonchalantly says to me, “So Jay when you say mofo, do you really movie fucker?” Now no one else at the table laughed, but I spit out my water. It was the funniest thing
he had ever said. Fast forward to 2007 and Rich Kiss is giving us a tour of his television station, WDSU. The tour was great. We were able to sit in the anchor chairs and
got some great photos reading the prompter and in front of the green screen for weather. It was in front of this green screen that Brian reeled off the 2 funniest minutes of
his life. He started doing an interpretive type dance in front of the green screen, which only looked cool because you can see him on the TV screens. The director must
have noticed this lunatic dancing like a moron so he started adding visual affects to the green screen. In a matter of seconds it looked like Brian was tripping on acid and
his dance culminated with him high-fiving his right hand with his right hand. Bizarre.
- There were a ton of great quotes over the weekend with my personal favorite being VA’s “you’re my bitch.” But Rich Kiss bestowed quote of the weekend status on one of
my gems from early in the trip. We were discussing the news that Britney Spears had shaved her head bald and I was saying how amazing it is that at this point in our
lives, if Britney Spears came up to me and asked me out, I would say no. I mean, I would willingly turn down Britney Spears, and no one would think me crazy for it. Could
you imagine me saying this 5 years ago? So I summed up my feelings on Britney Spears with the quote, “It comes down to this, I’d say yes to Chlamydia and no to Britney
Spears.” Cafepress.com shirts will be on sale soon.
- Even though I have a reputation of being an egotist I didn’t want my column to end on a story about me so I thought I’d recount one of my favorite moments from the trip
that dealt with everyone that went. It was our last night and we were all exploring bars along Bourbon Street. This was after I tried Jambalaya for the first time (it was
UNREAL) and tried my first Hurricane (that was real). We ended up at the Cats Meow, which sounds like a gay bar, but is just a Karaoke Bar. Almost as soon as we get in
Kiss has signed up “The Retired Orangemen” to sing Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” (we did happen to see Journey on a float earlier in the night). Of course normally
this is the song to sing for Karaoke but I got very worried. While waiting outside on line, I overheard the song already played and I was nervous that some patrons would
be tired of the song and possibly boo us. This is where Jarrett’s second great idea came into play. He recommended to me to throw my beads while we were
performing. A great idea. I was nervous to the last possible second. Then the music hit, the crowd erupted, and I’m sure the rest of the Retired Orangemen can tell you, it
was the single greatest Karaoke Jam of all time. The crowd was crazy, the energy was electric, they were digging the beads (thanks JB), and all of us were together on
stage (except Jarrett, who was taking care of the photography).
To sum up the weekend in a paragraph or column is pretty impossible, but I will say this: It was the greatest 4-day stretch I’ve had since my trip to London in January 2003. It had
everything I needed; my closest friends, Karaoke, food, drinks, tits, and quotes. I loved it, I loved it all, and I love you all.
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