| General Note: In an effort to ease some of the pain we've all inflicted on each other recently, I've decided to insult everyone in the league by assigning each of you a country. As usual, this was written in infinite jest. |
Navid
UNITED STATES of AMERICA
The one remaining dominator, oppressor, Super Power, of our time, Navid is
all these things. The Stars are the ones we see after our heads absorb blow
after blow from his hammer; the Stripes are the bars behind which we wake
the next morning, in the financial basement of the Global Economy. We make
remark after snide remark about this guy, but we all know we'd give him a BJ if
he'd just let us. He's the one we love to hate.
Jason
The PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC of CHINA
This motherfucker is poised to become the next global Super Power, and he
knows it. In the meantime he's biding his time --whoring out his nation's labor
force, launching into space, perhaps developing Weapons of Mass
Destruction? Watch out for this guy. He's on deck, next up, his offense's just
waiting to take the field; and his finger's just waiting to push that nuclear
button.
Josh
The REPUBLIC of INDIA
Not quite the People's Republic of China, this guy could give a shit. The
forecasts have been coming in all day and, well, you don't need a
weatherman to tell that there's a hurricane brewing on the Subcontinent.
Mahatma Ghandi and the quiet storm of passive resistance, you ask? Hardly.
This guy's not quiet, and those young running backs are even less passive.
Oh, and if you call the toll-free number on your computer's instruction manual
there's a good chance you'll wind up talking to this shady S.O.B.
Scott
CANADA
At first glance this guy looks like he can't go wrong --high standard of living,
decent Gross Domestic Product, low crime rate. This neighbor to the north
goes about his business and at the same time has somehow managed to
avoid international scrutiny every step of the way. But cast some light in his
direction, throw him into the ring of global power politics and he's down for the
count. But Iron Head, what about the rankings? Ah yes, the rankings ...in
International Irrelevance, this guy's number one.
Marc
The UNITED KINGDOM
Global colonizer, International Super Power, King of Europe ...in the Middle
Ages. Good luck doing battle with that trebuchet and those wooden ships; the
rest of us will stick to modern methods of warfare and, well, blow you out of
the water. Oh, one other question, let me just try to remember, yeah, okay,
I've got it, what have you done for me lately? Other than charge me $18 for a
beer and a shitty meal, not a whole lot.
Jarrett
JAPAN
Small, skinny, famous for bombarding the world with amateur photographers
during the 1980s and for a willingness to take Kamakazi plunges out of the
playoffs. The People's Republic of China, you ain't. It was fun while it lasted.
Hot tip: Robotics isn't the future. ...Hot tip #2: force me to wear a tie and you'll
wind up hanged by it.
Jay
ARGENTINA
The boom-town of the Southern Hemisphere, the darling of the Post-Colonial
World, diamond in the crown of South America ...until an economic meltdown
in 2001. These days, no longer finding himself in a crisis situation, this guy
has tried to make the best of things. Well I've got news for you: shit falls
down. Don't worry, we won't cry for you.
Brian
The ISLAMIC REPUBLIC of IRAN
Come on, keep picking on this guy, keep pushing him until he decides to go
ahead and enrich that Weapons-Grade Uranium he's been messing around
with lately. Publicly you scoff at him, but behind closed doors you're on your
knees just begging for his oil. Watch your step around this nuclear theocracy,
that next one could just be your last.
Rich
The KINGDOM of SWEDEN
Internationaly irrelevant, lonely up near the Arctic Circle, long and dark
nights? So what. A couple injuries here, a few bye weeks there. No big deal.
This guy's surrounded by hot girls so, as far as most everything else going on
in the world is concerned, he could really give a shit.
Parker
The REPUBLIC of TURKMENISTAN
Liberated from the Soviet yoke, one would think this guy's best days were
ahead of him. Not so fast. With a notorious authoritarian dictator at the helm,
this nation's outlook is grim at best. This guy has named himself "President
for Life," and in 2005 ordered all doctors in his country to swear to an oath to
him instead of to the Hippocratic Oath (wikipedia.org). It's unfortunate. This
team could be a real contender in Central Asia if it weren't ruled by such an
Iron Fist.
Dave
ITALY
Land of culture, land of cuisine, land of espresso, and nobody, I mean
nobody, loves this place more than its own countrymen. Of all the owners, this
guy's got to have the fewest drops. While the rest of the world keeps on
spinning around, he just can't seem to tear himself away from his own
reflection. Mirror, mirror on the wall ...Tiki Barber's gone next fall.
Gregg
REPUBLIC of KAZAKHSTAN
Don't look now but, despite what Sacha Baron Cohen might have to say
about it, this fucking guy's sitting on a lot of oil. Also recently freed from the
Soviet yoke, this guy has taken quite a different route from the one taken by
his neighbors in Turkmenistan (Parker). Kazakhstan is a top-ranking country
in terms of oil-production and the representative democracy in place there
has been thus far well-managed (wikipedia.org). Growing GDP plus political
freedoms equals rising star in the global constellation.
Brock
The FEDERAL REPUBLIC of GERMANY
One word --hardcore. That's this guy, from the bristle of that goatee to the
snugness of those tighty-whiteys (sidenote: I'm now a tighty-whitey convert).
This guy just does what it takes to get the job done. Sometimes it doesn't look
pretty --see World Wars I and II --but he's the perfect combination of solid
work-ethic (downloading porn) and strict discipline (jerking off). Tread lightly
here, folks, this guy knows how to mobilize, seek, and destroy.
Nick
AUSTRALIA
Left for dead on distant shores, like the Oakland Raiders this guy instead has
created his own little society of castaways and misfits. Ignore, mock, doubt
him if you will. It only makes him stronger. This man and his ragtag group of
ex-cons would just love to take that eighth playoff spot.
UNITED STATES of AMERICA
The one remaining dominator, oppressor, Super Power, of our time, Navid is
all these things. The Stars are the ones we see after our heads absorb blow
after blow from his hammer; the Stripes are the bars behind which we wake
the next morning, in the financial basement of the Global Economy. We make
remark after snide remark about this guy, but we all know we'd give him a BJ if
he'd just let us. He's the one we love to hate.
Jason
The PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC of CHINA
This motherfucker is poised to become the next global Super Power, and he
knows it. In the meantime he's biding his time --whoring out his nation's labor
force, launching into space, perhaps developing Weapons of Mass
Destruction? Watch out for this guy. He's on deck, next up, his offense's just
waiting to take the field; and his finger's just waiting to push that nuclear
button.
Josh
The REPUBLIC of INDIA
Not quite the People's Republic of China, this guy could give a shit. The
forecasts have been coming in all day and, well, you don't need a
weatherman to tell that there's a hurricane brewing on the Subcontinent.
Mahatma Ghandi and the quiet storm of passive resistance, you ask? Hardly.
This guy's not quiet, and those young running backs are even less passive.
Oh, and if you call the toll-free number on your computer's instruction manual
there's a good chance you'll wind up talking to this shady S.O.B.
Scott
CANADA
At first glance this guy looks like he can't go wrong --high standard of living,
decent Gross Domestic Product, low crime rate. This neighbor to the north
goes about his business and at the same time has somehow managed to
avoid international scrutiny every step of the way. But cast some light in his
direction, throw him into the ring of global power politics and he's down for the
count. But Iron Head, what about the rankings? Ah yes, the rankings ...in
International Irrelevance, this guy's number one.
Marc
The UNITED KINGDOM
Global colonizer, International Super Power, King of Europe ...in the Middle
Ages. Good luck doing battle with that trebuchet and those wooden ships; the
rest of us will stick to modern methods of warfare and, well, blow you out of
the water. Oh, one other question, let me just try to remember, yeah, okay,
I've got it, what have you done for me lately? Other than charge me $18 for a
beer and a shitty meal, not a whole lot.
Jarrett
JAPAN
Small, skinny, famous for bombarding the world with amateur photographers
during the 1980s and for a willingness to take Kamakazi plunges out of the
playoffs. The People's Republic of China, you ain't. It was fun while it lasted.
Hot tip: Robotics isn't the future. ...Hot tip #2: force me to wear a tie and you'll
wind up hanged by it.
Jay
ARGENTINA
The boom-town of the Southern Hemisphere, the darling of the Post-Colonial
World, diamond in the crown of South America ...until an economic meltdown
in 2001. These days, no longer finding himself in a crisis situation, this guy
has tried to make the best of things. Well I've got news for you: shit falls
down. Don't worry, we won't cry for you.
Brian
The ISLAMIC REPUBLIC of IRAN
Come on, keep picking on this guy, keep pushing him until he decides to go
ahead and enrich that Weapons-Grade Uranium he's been messing around
with lately. Publicly you scoff at him, but behind closed doors you're on your
knees just begging for his oil. Watch your step around this nuclear theocracy,
that next one could just be your last.
Rich
The KINGDOM of SWEDEN
Internationaly irrelevant, lonely up near the Arctic Circle, long and dark
nights? So what. A couple injuries here, a few bye weeks there. No big deal.
This guy's surrounded by hot girls so, as far as most everything else going on
in the world is concerned, he could really give a shit.
Parker
The REPUBLIC of TURKMENISTAN
Liberated from the Soviet yoke, one would think this guy's best days were
ahead of him. Not so fast. With a notorious authoritarian dictator at the helm,
this nation's outlook is grim at best. This guy has named himself "President
for Life," and in 2005 ordered all doctors in his country to swear to an oath to
him instead of to the Hippocratic Oath (wikipedia.org). It's unfortunate. This
team could be a real contender in Central Asia if it weren't ruled by such an
Iron Fist.
Dave
ITALY
Land of culture, land of cuisine, land of espresso, and nobody, I mean
nobody, loves this place more than its own countrymen. Of all the owners, this
guy's got to have the fewest drops. While the rest of the world keeps on
spinning around, he just can't seem to tear himself away from his own
reflection. Mirror, mirror on the wall ...Tiki Barber's gone next fall.
Gregg
REPUBLIC of KAZAKHSTAN
Don't look now but, despite what Sacha Baron Cohen might have to say
about it, this fucking guy's sitting on a lot of oil. Also recently freed from the
Soviet yoke, this guy has taken quite a different route from the one taken by
his neighbors in Turkmenistan (Parker). Kazakhstan is a top-ranking country
in terms of oil-production and the representative democracy in place there
has been thus far well-managed (wikipedia.org). Growing GDP plus political
freedoms equals rising star in the global constellation.
Brock
The FEDERAL REPUBLIC of GERMANY
One word --hardcore. That's this guy, from the bristle of that goatee to the
snugness of those tighty-whiteys (sidenote: I'm now a tighty-whitey convert).
This guy just does what it takes to get the job done. Sometimes it doesn't look
pretty --see World Wars I and II --but he's the perfect combination of solid
work-ethic (downloading porn) and strict discipline (jerking off). Tread lightly
here, folks, this guy knows how to mobilize, seek, and destroy.
Nick
AUSTRALIA
Left for dead on distant shores, like the Oakland Raiders this guy instead has
created his own little society of castaways and misfits. Ignore, mock, doubt
him if you will. It only makes him stronger. This man and his ragtag group of
ex-cons would just love to take that eighth playoff spot.
