Been in so long he got drunk, passed out, hooked up, got in a fight, got thrown out, went home, ate a
steak sandwich, ate another steak sandwich, posted some smack talk, changed clothes, came back and
is now serving drinks:
Nomads in the Deep
He told me he only wins so that people will write articles about him. I asked if people stopped writing articles, would
he would stop winning. Reply? Silence. This section ends here.
In and it feels soooo good:
Nose, Canton FC
Welcome to the club boys (not that I am in….yet! I just jinxed the hell out of myself there.) Congrats to Nose and
Canton for getting in the old-fashioned way: By showing up stone sober at 830pm and waiting in line. Excellent
dedication boys.
In, but wearing sneakers and had to go home to change:
Shermtanks
Although he doesn’t have that fantasy status symbol we like to call the Asterisk, he is in. A fourth seed going into
the final week and 150 points over any of the teams below is a surefire hand stamp for getting into Club Playoff.
In the front of the line with chicks in tow:
Five Second Stare, OC Beach Ballers, Brocks Bandits
All these blokes have to do is win and Playoff hiney is theirs for the grabbing. Don’t F it up!
In line but waiting for their ladies to appear:
Fighting Blue Crabs, Baltimore Tools
These guys need a little help to get in. They aren’t just going to get let in, but they seem like nice kids and if they
can round up some attractive ladies, they’re chances will improve. Otherwise, they may have to wait a while.
The Bouncers:
Labor power, Inching Worms, Born to Run My Mouth
While these toughs can’t party and get drunk like some of the others (since they are on the job), they can take out
their frustration on patient line-waiters. All you have to do is ask if you are on the list one too many times and they
could send you to the China Club.
Went to the Wrong Club:
Dorfman, New Jersey Jacobins
If you do get tossed out, you can get drunk with these guys.
The Scenarios
Working our way up….
• It is a neck and neck (and maybe another neck) battle for the 2006 Toilet Bowl. Inching Worms and Born to
Run My Mouth both claim 3-9 records and only 4 points separate them. A loss this week could seal the loser’s fate.
But if they both win….
• ….and Dorfman loses, Dorfman would be 99% assured to finish the season with the Toilet Bowl. Silver Lining:
He will tie Marc with the best record ever to receive the award (that wasn’t quite silver was it?).
• Sad news, Dorfman was officially eliminated from the playoffs last week with a loss to those pesky Bandits.
• More sad news, New Jersey Jacobins was also officially kicked out of Club Playoff although they put up a
valiant effort Sunday Night. For their hard work, they are for the most part safe from winning the Toilet Bowl (phew)
for a second time in three years. Unless they lay a foul egg against Sherm (current Toilet Bowl owner, no less) and
the Worms, Born and Dorfman all win, the Jacobins will have to wait for next year.
• labor power has been eliminated from the Toilet Bowl running based on his point total (100+ points more than
Born and Worms) and now favors the guise of spoiler.
• The Tools and Blue Crabs are in a holding pattern. They just need to win and then see what happens. Both
are boring .500 teams. Ho-hum. But the Crabs have 20 points on the Tools, a spread that can evaporate in one
week. In reality, there are only 4 playoffs spots available.
o If the Tools win, and either Crabs, 5SS, OCBB or the Bandits lose. Tools are in.
o If all of those teams and the Tools win, then which ever team, Tools or Crabs, has more points is in
Club Playoff.
o If the Tools lose and the Crabs maintain their point lead, regardless of how the Crabs do this week
against the Nomads, they are in Club Playoff.
o If the Crabs win, and either Tools, 5SS, OCBB or the Bandits lose. Crabs are in.
• 5SS, OCBB and Bandits are separated by 35 points.
o If they all win, they are all in.
o If either the Crabs or the Tools lose, they are all in, regardless of how they do this week.
o If one of them loses and one either Crabs or Tools wins, then that loser will back into the playoffs.
o If two or three of them lose, the only way they can back into the playoffs is if the Crabs and Tools BOTH
lose.
o If both Crabs and Tools win, then if 5SS, OCBB or Bandits lose, they are out.
• Shermtanks are in, provided he sports the proper attire.
Final Standing Possibilities
Nomads: 1 seed
Nose: 2-4 Seed
Canton: 2-4 Seed
Shermtanks 2-7 Seed
5SS: 4-9 Seed (9 ain’t a seed though)
OCBB: 4-9 Seed (9 ain’t a seed though)
Bandits: 4-9 Seed (9 ain’t a seed though)
Crabs: 5-9 Seed (9 ain’t a seed though)
Tools: 5-9 Seed (9 ain’t a seed though)
labor: 10-12th
Jacobins: 10-14th
Dorfman: 10-14th
Worms: 10-14th
Born: 10-14th
Week 13 Top Games
Baltimore Tools vs. labor power
• 4 teams (not including these two) will be closely watching this game. If power comes through, 5SS, OCBB and
Bandits are in and providing the Crabs maintain their point advantage over the Tools, they get in as well. On the
other hand, if the Tools win and either 5SS, OCBB, Bandits or Crabs lose, they are in Club Playoff.
Nomads in the Deep vs. Fighting Blue Crabs
• This is very similar to the above game. If the Nomads come through, 5SS, OCBB and Bandits will be sending
over Christmas Cards and if the Tools win, or overcome their 18.73 point deficit, they will also send the Nomads
something sweet. As if that would be the first time. On the other hand, if the Crabs win and maintain the point
spread over the Tools, they are in Club Playoff.
Nose vs. Five Second Stare
• This could be a playoff preview. Nose is in, unless they lose, they are assured to be in the ‘non-Nomad’
bracket. The Stare wins, the Stare is in. If the Stare loses they will need one of the following to get in:
o Crabs lose
o Tools lose
o Ballers lose (maintain 24.08 point advantage)
o Bandits lose (maintain 33.39 point advantage)
• So things don’t look too bad for the Stare.
Brock’s Bandits vs. Born to Run My Mouth
• Two Non-New Yorkers. Better make this quick, or I will lose readership in no time flat. If the Bandits win, it’s
three more weeks of fantasy football. If they lose they need one of the following to happen:
o Crabs lose
o Tools lose
o 5SS lose (and overcome 33.39 point disadvantage)
o Ballers lose (and overcome 9.31 point disadvantage)
• Born needs a win here to avoid the Toilet Bowl. A loss and if the Worms maintain their 3.62 point
advantage, the bowl goes Cajun.
OC Beach Ballers vs. Inching Worms
• As you know by now. A Ballers’ win and I become a drunken mess and public spectacle at Club Playoff. A loss
and one of the following needs to happen:
o Crabs lose
o Tools lose
o 5SS lose (and overcome 33.39 point disadvantage)
o Bandits lose (and maintain 9.31 point advantage)
• The Worms needs a win here to avoid the Toilet Bowl. A loss and if Born overcomes the tiny 3.62 point
advantage the Worms currently hold, the bowl goes West Coast. I just hope they don’t search your bags.
Canton FC vs. Dorfman
• Canton has their eight wins and will be playing in the playoffs. A win keeps them in the ‘non-Nomad’ bracket of
the seeding. And for all of you keeping score, Canton has never lost in Week 13. Mr. Clutch. Dorfman needs a win
to avoid a year of shame. Although, even with a loss, Dorfman can still avoid the Toilet Bowl provided the Worms
and Born don’t BOTH win.
Shermtanks vs. New Jersey Jacobins
• Not much suspense here. Shermtanks are in the playoffs. The Jacobins aren’t, but they aren’t (unless all hell
breaks loose) getting the Toilet Bowl either. The last two winners of this award square off in Week 13.
I hope you liked this week’s breakdown. Apologies for a bad year of writing. Next year will be better. Best of luck to
all who make the playoffs, and better luck next year to those who don’t make the eight man dance.
Ballers. Out.
