quickly fading, there isn’t much to be excited about. You become the butt of people’s jokes. The league starts to mock
you and make comments about your abilities. What can I possibly say to defend myself? I mean you know you’re in for
a tough season when the following happens:
- The only time you hear your Tight End’s name during the game is when he gets called for a holding penalty.
(This happened in week one when I was watching the New York Jets play the Tennessee Titans. Ben Troupe did
nothing all game. I’m following the other games online when I hear Ben Troupe’s name called by the
announcers. I look at the TV anxiously only to hear “That’s going to be holding on Ben Troupe.”) - Your backup QB ruptures his spleen AND has his best game of the season.
- You look to Joey Harrington as your savior and say things like “They should bench Daunte. Joey will pass the
ball to Chambers more.” - Your kicker misses as many field goals as he attempts.
- Your best wide receiver is still only #3 on his team’s depth chart and had a one catch for –5 yard game.
So what am I do? Throw in the towel? Be my self-deprecating and sarcastic self and poke fun at my team, so that
others won’t do it? No, I’ve decided to do something that is unprecedented for me. I am making a guarantee. I WILL
MAKE THE PLAYOFFS. Call it what you want. Laugh if you must. But prepare yourself for the greatest comeback since
(insert any of the following to complete joke 1) LA Dodgers 2) NY Giants 3) Teri Hatcher 4)Lisa Kudrow). I’m not going
to go as far as proclaim a “worst to first”. I’m a reasonable guy. I only want to go “worst to eighth”. That’s right. I’m
shooting for eight place. Six victories should do it. Starting with this week’s opponent, no scratch that. This week’s
victim……Jarrett.
I know that’s a pretty bold statement for a team that hasn’t scored any points, but let’s take a look at my past three
opponents.
- Navid - I let him win, so that it would boost his confidence a bit. His team is struggling. If it weren’t for me, he’d be
0-3, and that is no way for a defending two-time champ to start the season. - Dave – Consider it an early wedding gift.
- Parker – If anybody needed a victory more than Navid, it was Parker. Besides it was a stipulation in our legal
settlement.
So the truth of the matter is, I’m just a nice guy who looks out for others at the expense of my own advancements. But
that kindness stops now. Jarrett is 2-1. Some people predict he will win it all. He needs to lose and be brought down to
earth a bit. Who better to do that than me?
Looking at my schedule, I foresee a six game win streak in the future. So my apologies to Nose, Baltimore Tools, Five
Second Stare, OC Beach Ballers, Shermtanks, and Fighting Blue Crab. You were the unfortunate ones that the
Yahoo! Schedulers put in my path during this six-week stretch.
However, I do owe some people an apology. Maybe that’s why my team is performing poorly. Karma is catching up to
me. Time to make up for it.
FANTASY FOOTBALL THOUGHTS: (In order of rankings)
Chris Brockman – I would like to apologize for joking about your hair loss, your inability to play defense when we play
basketball, and your overall hatred towards others. I am glad that despite that, we can still be friends.
Chris is the last undefeated team. Could we be seeing the 2006 version of “Brick Walls & Trees”? You have to know
things are going your way when your best player the last three years (Shaun Alexander) waits until the year you let
him go to get hurt.
Jason Sherman – I would like to apologize for joking about your last name in relation to the movie “American Pie”. I
even forgive you for injuring my foot, which still bothers me and will probably bother me for the rest of my life. I am glad
that we are able to look past that and remain friends.
Jason’s worst to first movement was short lived, but he could easily find himself back on top thanks to the highest point
total in the league. With LDT already having his bye out of the way, look for smooth sailing from here on out as Jason
returns to the playoffs.
* (I’m impressed that Jason has made it three weeks with his column. Plus, it’s actually very good).
Josh Lukin – I would like to apologize for saying your team was one year away in my draft analysis. I clearly do not
know what I am talking about. Your team is solid and ready to push for the title this year, as well as next.
The big question for Josh now is who to play at RB? If Dillon is really hurt (which we’ll never know since New England
doesn’t give up injury info), then Maroney will instantly become a top 10 RB. McGahee, Bush, or Maroney? That’s a
nice choice to have to make.
Marc Epstein – I would like to apologize for making fun of your fantasy football abilities, being the only league
member to hate you and not give you credit for the job you do as commissioner of this league, and for never
answering the questions in the draft book bio.
To make up for all that, Marc will be my featured owner of the week. Things are hitting on all cylinders for Marc. The
Chicago Bears Defense is dominating and looking like the 1985 version. His questionable draft choice of selecting
Maurice Morris has paid off big time, with Shaun Alexander possibly out three or more weeks with a broken foot
(although recent reports say it’s not broken). Clinton Portis looks healthy. Roy Williams looks like he will put up big
numbers anytime he faces any team not named the “Chicago Bears”. Chad Pennington looks like the second coming
of Joe Montana. Chester Taylor is a workhouse back. Everything just seems to be falling into place for Marc, so much
so, that I am declaring a championship for the commissioner. That’s right. Gregg vs. Marc in the 2006 finals. With the
commissioner becoming the first actual Syracuse alumni to walk away with the ROFFL trophy.
(Quick note. Is there anything more annoying than a cocky Marc Epstein? That man will not shut up about his team).
(Quick note #2: I know I over-think things, which people love to point out to me, but in my defense - Why would I play
Chris Henry? TJ was back, they were playing a tough Pittsburgh Defense, and Chad was due for a big game. How was
I supposed to know Chad would do nothing? That’s like saying Gregg should have been smart enough to bench Chad
and over-thought it by playing him.)
Jarrett Blass – I would like to apologize for making you the butt of many of my lame jokes, for refusing to trade
Ronnie Brown to you, and for interfering when you were trying to hook up with that chick in Atlantic City.
Jarrett’s worst fear has come to fruition. The predicted injury to Corey Dillon has happened and nobody knows how
severe it is. With only TJ Duckett as a replacement, Jarrett’s only weakness may signal the downfall of his promising
season. The only question is will he pull a trade (he is wide receiver and quarterback heavy) or will he hope that his
elite players at the QB, WR, and TE are enough to make up for any lost production from his #2 RB.
Rich Kiss – I would like to apologize for constantly harassing you with emails in hopes of making a friend, continually
joking that you are not a ladies man when everyone knows you are an absolute stud, and for ruining any chance you
had of hooking up with that chick in Atlantic City.
Rich is sitting in a good spot on the rankings for now, but that may change depending on what the news is on Shaun
Alexander. With Cadillac struggling and on a bye (plus the loss of Chris Simms will hurt), and no solid replacement on
his bench, this could turn out to be what kills his team. I mean he’s starting both San Francisco backups this week.
Scott Watson – I cannot apologize enough for sitting next to you at the draft and ruining your 2006 team. I promise
next year, I won’t even show up. I will call in.
Let’s play a game of “What if?” What if Scott kept Chris Chambers instead of Brian Westbrook? He’d be 0-3 instead of
2-1. Westbrook is carrying his team since LaMont and Culpepper have not been doing much. With news of Mike Bell
losing the starting job to Tatum, Scott needs to hope LaMont and the Raiders figures things out soon.
Dave Allocco – I owe Dave the biggest apology out of everyone. I make fun of him nonstop - spreading rumors that
he is gay and doesn’t pay attention to this league – in hopes to be funny. But what I have done is make it ok for the
rest of the league to make fun of Dave, when I can only get away with it, because I am his close friend. I hope I can still
be the chauffer at his wedding.
McNabb is looking like the best fantasy QB for where he was taken in the draft. Andre Johnson is a catching machine
and is primed for a great season. Tiki will play better. Now if only his WR would start to play better.
Parker Deay – I would like to apologize to Parker for that huge legal fiasco. I was too big a man to admit that I was
wrong, but no more. I was lying. Parker did not have the Patriots defense the past 52 years. I was being sarcastic,
which is apparently against the law when discussing fantasy football. Please feel free to send me the legal bills.
Go figure, Parker’s team plays it’s worst. He makes two bad decisions in benching Kitna and Ahman Green, but is
lucky enough to play the worst team in the league, so it goes overlooked. Yet when Parker’s team plays it’s best and
scores 100+ points, it always goes up against another team that has it’s best day. Guess it all works out in the end.
Look for an impressive run for Parker’s team now that Tatum Bell is the starting RB for Denver.
Jay Cantor – I would like to apologize for portraying you in a negative light in my past articles. I’ve said that you are
cocky and full of yourself. But I never mention the good things. The writing talent, the kind heart, and of course……….
the good looks.
Jay’s team is solid up and down. A few underperformers have brought his team down, but if they start playing up to
their capabilities (Bulger, Droughns, Benson), then Jay’s team will find itself in familiar territory: Playoffs.
Gregg Moore – I apologize for threatening you after the whole DeAngelo debacle. It’s just fantasy football and the
dead rabbit I left in your kitchen was completely unnecessary.
I still think Gregg is headed for the runner-up spot this year. DeShaun may have held off DeAngelo for one more
week, but sooner or later DeAngelo will take over. Once that happens, look out. I also think Chris Cooley will turn it
around, and I’m not only saying that because I have him on my other team. Ok, maybe I am.
Navid Sadri – I would like to apologize for being harsh to Navid in past articles. I’ve said he was inpatient, when the
truth is I’m the inpatient in. Navid has two titles and will consistently be among the favorites each and every year, while
I am just a guy in the league so that we have an even number. I would also like to apologize for spelling your name
incorrectly a couple years back.
A lot of bad news has hit Navid’s players (Gore injured and we all know about T.O), but do not count him out. He still
has Larry Johnson, a healthy Steve Smith, and a now #1 Terry Glenn.
Nick Serrano – I would like to apologize for letting this rivalry get out of hand. Back in 2001, we were so close, that I
would cover for Nick whenever one of his ladies would ask where he was (he was always with another lady or five).
Now we can’t even be in the same room without packing heat.
Nick really got the good end of that trade. Kevin Jones, while not spectacular, helps fill the void left by Domanick Davis
and Reggie Brown is an adequate WR play each week. Another late season run like last year’s is not out of the
question. Especially considering he already has one victory in the bag in week ten.
GOOD LUCK TO ALL!!! ESPECIALLY TO ME…