I was going to write about my other fantasy football league. As with most other league members, I am involved in more
than one league. More importantly, I was involved in more than one live draft. I was going to recount that story, which
is actually interesting for its sheer hilarity. But I’ll save that for another time when I have nothing else to write.
So then I was going to write a little thing on how Fantasy Football is comparable to almost everything in our life. This
requires more time than I have at the moment, so I’ll save that one for another week as well.
Then on Sunday I spoke to a fellow league member who came up with the idea that Rich and I should exchange emails
and post them as a column. I mean what would be funnier then two self-deprecating (or self-loathing, as Navid would
put it) guys who have nothing nice to say about their fantasy teams. Two things ruined that idea.
- Rich beat Navid in week two and has a decent shot of making the playoffs.
- Rich refuses to cooperate.
Here is how the emails transpired.
From: byeung@roffl.com
To: RichKissesallthegirlsallnightlong@roffl.com
“Hey Rich. Someone thought of a funny idea that we should start emailing each other and whatever we write, we post
as a column. Could be funny stuff. Thoughts?”
From: RichKissesallthegirlsallnightlong@roffl.com
To: byeung@roffl.com
“Why would I want to take part in such a stupid idea?”
From: byeung@roffl.com
To: RichKissesallthegirlsallnightlong@roffl.com
“C’mon. It could be funny. You can curse your wide receivers. I can curse my wide receivers. There’s serious potential
here.”
From: RichKissesallthegirlsallnightlong@roffl.com
To: byeung@roffl.com
“Stop emailing me.”
From: byeung@roffl.com
To: RichKissesallthegirlsallnightlong@roffl.com
“I don’t get why you’re being so reluctant. Here I’ll get it started.
Good win last week. For a second I thought you and I would be battling for the toilet bowl, but looks like that suckers all
mine.
Btw, did you hear that Jason Sherman actually replaced the toilet in his bathroom with the ROFFL toilet bowl. That
thing is going to be all brown when you next see it.”
From: RichKissesallthegirlsallnightlong@roffl.com
To: byeung@roffl.com
“I am begging you. Please stop. Please leave me alone.”
From: byeung@roffl.com
To: RichKissesallthegirlsallnightlong@roffl.com
“Oh c’mon. I just gave you a freebie. A pitch right down the middle for you to smack out of the park. Here, let’s try it
again.
Who should I take with my first pick next year? Terrell Owens or Corey Dillon? Do you think my mascot will look gay on
the toilet bowl or will Flounder from “The Little Mermaid” actually liven that bad boy up?”
From: RichKissesallthegirlsallnightlong@roffl.com
To: byeung@roffl.com
“How are you able to email me? I blocked you! I blocked you twice!! For the love of god, please stop. Just stop.”
From: byeung@roffl.com
To: RichKissesalltheboysallnightlong@roffl.com
“I am a genius remember? I know how to get around those email blocks.”
From: RichKissesalltheboysallnightlong@roffl.com
To: byeung@roffl.com
“How did you get my new email address? Why are you doing this to me? What did I ever do to you?”
From: byeung@roffl.com
To: RichKissesalltheboysallnightlong@roffl.com
“Brock gave it to me.”
From: RichKissesalltheboysallnightlong@roffl.com
To: byeung@roffl.com
“I’m out on the ledge of my bedroom apartment. Are you happy now? I’m going to jump. This is all your fault. This is it.
Ahhhhhhhhhh.”
*(Don’t worry, it was only two stories up.)
**((I actually did approach Rich on this idea. We exchanged 4 emails before Rich stopped replying.))
Anyhow, I decided to not write any of those because I am 0-2 in both of my fantasy football leagues and I just got
knocked out of my fantasy baseball league in the semi-finals. So I’m going to write a little report on things/people I hate.
- Jason Sherman – For believing, and then writing, that Nick convinced me to trade. Let’s get one thing straight.
Nobody convinced me to do anything. I gave Nick Kevin Jones. For various reasons, none of which involved Nick
contacting me and persuading me with his fancy repartee. Jason, if you are going to try and be a writer like
Chris Brockman get your facts straight before writing anything down. That’s how rumors start. - Nick Serrano – For letting people believe this rumor. Also for not calling me back after I left him a message,
twice. Did you go to the Jason Sherman School of calling people back? - Daunte Culpepper – For tricking everyone and leading Scott, Parker, and myself to believe that he would lead
the Miami offense to high potency thus making himself and everyone around him (Ronnie Brown, Chris
Chambers, Randy McMichael) studly. - Wali Lundy – For failing to make me look like a genius.
- Michael Koenen – See Wali Lundy.
- Chris Simms – See Wali Lundy and Michael Koenen.
- Matt Hasselbeck, Roy Williams, Cadillac Williams, and Chris Cooley – For sucking on my other team and ruining
any credibility I obtained from the other league members. (This would make more sense if I wrote my story about
my other fantasy football draft.) - John Smoltz – For almost single-handedly causing me to lose in the semi-finals of fantasy baseball. He throws 2
innnings, 6 ER the day I start him. Then goes out and throws 8 innings, 1 ER, 3 hit ball the day I sit him because
he has a groin injury. Thanks a lot you schmuck. - Head to Head Fantasy Baseball – Football should be played head to head, not baseball.
- Gregg Moore – For being a smart man and drafting DeAngelo Williams and refusing to trade him to me. Well
played. Well played. However, you have now made a lifelong enemy and I will dedicate the rest of my life to
exacting my revenge. - Parker Deay – For lying to all of you and for being my opponent this week. Good luck my (Ex) Friend.
Some other random comments I have:
The league is not the same now that Jay Cantor is not in front of a computer 24/7. The message board suffers and we
are forced to miss out on every other week of WGLPT. While I believe Jay will be a fine teacher. One that makes an
impact on his students lives and truly makes a difference. His daily contributions to the league will be missed.
In WGLPT week two, Jay said it perfectly. I will never win this league because I will always outthink myself. I think I know
something nobody else knows and this leads me to do something stupid instead of taking the safe, smart choice. If this
were real life I’d be Isiah Thomas.
Nick, good luck in London. I hope your experience there is as good as your experience in Russia. Have a safe trip,
stay active on the waiver wire, and most importantly……be good to the ladies.
WEEK TWO THOUGHTS: (In order of ranking)
SHERMTANKS – I’m not going to mention what has already been killed to death. I still hold firm by my belief that Jason
purposely tanked last year. He knew he had at best a borderline playoff team that had little chance of getting out of
the first round. So he ensured the #1 draft pick, pulled off a trade to get Willie Parker that went unnoticed, and now
look at him. I think this is illegal somewhere in our bylaws and I plan on looking into this. Oh yea, fantasy thoughts. His
team isn’t the most balanced, but LDT will make up for a lot of deficiencies. Just ask Jay.
NEW JERSEY JACOBINS – I’m starting to believe that the less time you spend thinking and worry about your team, the
better. Look at Dave. The man is teaching children Social Studies, going to grad school, and planning a wedding. His
only transactions consist of picking up Justin McCareins. Yet, he currently stands at 2-0, and is coming off a runner-up
season. The man obviously has it all figured out. Sidenote: the odds that Dave’s smack talk “Accepting trade offers”
will go unchanged for the entire season is 1:1.
BROCK’S BANDITS – Does anyone even need to write anything about Chris’ team? I mean he writes everything out
anyway. We’re all just repeating. Marc, Jay, and myself should just reference Chris’ column/message board post. For
example, see Drew Bennett message board post.
CANTON FC – Josh and trash talking has not equated to positive results. Also, has anyone ever gotten to work for a
team and be so heavily invested into the same team fantasy-wise? I think Josh’s team is set up the best for this year
and the next two years. Just wait till Hasselbeck starts playing better and Maroney gets more carries.
FIGHTING BLUE CRAB – My new pick for 2006 championship finalist. Not sure if I’m ready to give him the crown, but
he’ll be in the final contest. His team reminds me of Jason’s team circa 2004. How so? Both had Peyton Manning and
Jamal Lewis. Well, that’s about the only comparison. Gregg is definitely a guy who lucked out. Even though everyone
predicted DeAngelo to play sooner rather than later, nobody thought it would be in week 2. On top of that, Gregg sat
DeAngelo in week one when he got a mere 1 catch for 8 yards. He then plays him in week two, with no official word
that he would get a bunch of carries, and he goes for 23 points. Sometimes, people are just lucky in this game of
fantasy football. And then sometimes people are like me.
NOSE – From QB to TE, nobody has a better team on paper. Even Corey Dillon is a solid #2 back despite all the
negative buzz going into the season. Torry Holt has not been great so far, but he’s “Big Game Torry Holt”. He’ll come
around. I like the Rex Grossman pickup. The guy could be a top 10 QB this year.
BALTIMORE TOOLS – Much like my team last year, the Chicago Defense is carrying his team. I mean a lot of his guys
have not performed well. Roy Williams? He talks the talk, but can’t walk the walk. Lee Evans? He might as well be on
my team along with the rest of the underachievers. But both are talented guys who will start to put up stats as the
season goes on. Marc has debunked the myth that a defense is nothing more than a late round pick.
FIVE SECOND STARE – Hey Jay. Does your magazine still say Nate Burleson is a sleeper? That could go down as the
worst keeper of all time. Well, after DeShaun Foster. Joey Galloway has averaged 80 yards a game. Funny thing is he
got 0 in one game, and the other 160 in the other game. That Chris Simms sucks. Who has him? Anyway, Jay
definitely has the golden touch with kickers. Last year it was Neil Rackers. This year, it’s Jeff Wilkens. Btw, I hear Jay
has already made such a difference at the inner city school he works at that they are already making a movie about
his story. The title? Yep, you guess it. “What good looking people think?”
NOMADS IN THE DEEP – Navid has a weird team. You can’t tell if it’s good right now. I know Frank Gore is an absolute
stud, but he has played two of the easiest teams so far. I think San Fran has some stiffer competition going forward,
but Gore is looking like the RB nobody should have passed up. If we re-drafted now, he could arguably be the 3rd
pick. The rest of the team is iffy. Brees? It was Green Bay. Steve Smith? Still hasn’t played a down. T.O.? Broken
finger. How is he going to give the finger to the Philly fans if it’s broken? Oh wait, that finger is fine. But lets give Navid
some credit. The selection of Terry Glenn is looking very smart right now. That’s a champion move right there.
OC BEACH BALLERS – Scott is always right next to Navid. They just can’t seem to get away from one another. Things
look very shaky for last year’s regular season champ. Daunte, LaMont, Plummer, Santana, Mike Bell? I think I cursed
Scott by sitting next to him at the draft. Nobody is going to want to sit next to me next year.
BORN TO RUN MY MOUTH – Big win, a fantasy career-altering win. Now imagine his team if Cadillac would play like a
keeper instead of a loaner? He needs TJ back, but Jericho Cotchery is starting to look like the read deal. I guess I was
wrong when I pinned him as this year’s Frisman Jackson.
INCHING WORMS – My opponent (both in fantasy and legally). It’s unfortunate that our friendship has deteriorated to
this point. I have a restraining order out against him and he has hired a hitman and put a contract out on me. Tough
times, but we’ll always have Brew 3 and Dellplain 3…….Fantasy wise, it’s been a tough couple of weeks for Parker. He
may end up having one of those years, where he just misses the playoffs, but has one of the higher point totals in the
league. I’m not counting him out yet. He does get to play me this week after all. If we were doing a suicide pool for our
fantasy league, everybody “alive” would pick Parker.
DORFMAN – I am slowly loses credibility and respectability in this league. Jason has taken away the “assassin”
nickname. Jay has decided to remove me from the WGLPT ranking permanently. Marc won’t even waste his time
predicting my matchup each week. Even Scott has already eliminated me in his playoff preview, which he hasn’t even
started yet. To say it’s a hard time right now would be to put it lightly.
labor power – Everyone wants to give Nick credit for his miraculous comeback last season. They say it was because
he was on foreign land with nothing to do. They say he’s a fantasy genius. They say he was lucky. The honest truth. I
have access to his yahoo account. I occasionally log in and make some transactions, accept a few trades, and switch
up the lineup. Yes, the second half of last year was all thanks to me. Now that the truth it out of the bag……Domanick
Davis really killed Nick’s team. To the point he plans on starting Derrick Blaylock and Kevan Barlow on the same week
when they’re on a bye.
GOOD LUCK ALL!!!