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It’s only week three and I’m already out of material. Either that or I’ve just had one crazy and miserable week and a half and can’t think straight.
For those following along, here is a brief recap of the past nine days.
Monday: Company go bankrupt. Brian lose job. Brian number one priority…find another job. Parker’s team kicks Brian’s ass and Parker beats Brian in
dance off. All in all…not a very good day.
Tuesday: Company still bankrupt. Brian still looking for job. Headhunters (those bastards) trying to take advantage of situation.
Wednesday: Company may get sold. Brian may keep job. Hope and Optimism exist. Rich decides to text Brian telling him he hates him. Hope and
Optimism go out the window.
Thursday: Part of company sold. Brian may or may not keep job. But he gets more time to look for another job. In the meantime, Brian goes to San
Gennaro festival with the lovely girlfriend. They have Cuban food and funnel cake. Too much ginger on the chicken ruins the meal. Hope and Optimism
are now on the ledge.
Friday: Brian gets wisdom tooth pulled. Then watches the girlfriend eat curly fries, while he has to have porridge like one of the three bears. Hope is
now on the ground knocked out cold with blood pouring everywhere. Optimism has pushed Hope off the ledge and is mock laughing at him while
pointing.
Saturday: Still can’t eat. But must attend two birthday parties. Not able to make Brian Sherman’s b’day party. Jason and Marc upset. No longer friends.
Hope and Optimism are on life support.
Sunday: Ronnie Brown decides to punch me in the crotch. Hope and Optimism have a joint wake. Burial scheduled for Monday night.
Monday: Brian not offered job with new company. Must stay behind to bankrupt the company. Ronnie Brown personally delivers the news as he beats
the Patriots defense for another TD, which he throws to himself.
Tuesday: Brian embarks on 4 and ½ hour adventure to get iPhone. Not worth it. Ronnie Brown is the Best Buy employee hired to help activate the
phone. He scores another TD.
Wednesday: Brian writes his weekly article so you all can laugh at his expense.
Thursday: Brian has plate full of curly fries. Hope and Optimism come back from the dead like Nathan Petrelli.
Sorry Scott, no paragraphs this week. Just bullet points.
Who cares about your teams? I do. I do.
Jason – Could Jason have the best QB in fantasy? Cutler, Romo, and Rivers. Who would have thunk it? Guess I took Drew Brees way too early.
Although Cotchery hasn’t exploded like some of us thought he would have.
Parker – Your worst nightmare almost came true. Westbrook and McNabb going down to injury. McNabb looks ok, but Westbrook could be out this week
and maybe more. Those two guys are carrying his team right now (along with help from the Tennessee defense), because he’s getting nothing from
Santonio Holmes and Joey Galloway. Addai and Welker have only been passable.
Chris Brockman – Talk about lucky. I’ve always thought that Chris was one of the luckier members of the league (at least in the regular season). He
wins by the smallest of margins and when he has a low point total. Not to put the man down, just saying. Besides, luck plays a bigger role in this game
than skill. (This was meant as a compliment. Apologies to Chris if it did not come across that way).
Dave Allocco – No complaints from Dave this week. Guess the Brady depression only lasts about two weeks. I wonder if there is a cycle to it. Much like
Dave’s descent into madness?
…Wow, Andre Johnson has not been very good. I guess Dwayne Bowe would have been a better keeper option (which is what Dave briefly
considered). Although Bowe hasn’t been great either.
Nick Serrano – Nick will be attending the debate on Friday night. Not as an audience member, but instead he’ll be the third participant representing the
ROFFL party…he’s got my vote.
…Man does that Julius Jones pick look good. Nick had RB problems last year. But not this year. His problem is the rest of his roster…just kidding Nick.
Chris Rosenthall – I think only you and Chris Brockman write comments on other people’s matchups. Way to go rookie. You just might become a valued
member of this league after all…just kidding.
…Still waiting for Peyton to show up. Jamal Lewis doesn’t look good. Good thing you have Selvin Young.
Jay Cantor – Saw the clip of your comedy show on Youtube. I thought you were good and encourage you to keep at it if you have the time…
…Also saw your team. I think it sucks and you should just quit. Just kidding. I think Jay reminds me of Jason’s team last year. Started off slow. Your star
players are off to slow starts. But then it all comes together and you finish in second place.
Rich Kiss – Was it just me or did Rich talk way too fast on his podcast interview? It’s all good Rich. I still listened. As a matter of fact, I downloaded it to
my iPod, and play it while I commute to work. I don’t know what it is, but something about your voice just gets me prepared for the miserable day at work
I have ahead of me. Just kidding (That’s my phrase of the day).
…As far as your team goes, all I can say is welcome back TJ Houshmanzadeh. If he returns to form, Romo keeps putting up those 3 TD days, then Rich
just might be able to win the championship. Just kidding…
Scott Watson – Scott emailed me last week to tell me he enjoyed my article. I told him to kiss my ass. And our rivalry continues…
…in a completely unrelated note. Calvin Johnson sucks. Drop him immediately. And if Jon Kitna is benched and Detroit turns to the Drew Stanton era,
then forget about it. But I’ll be kind and take him off your hands. I’ll even give you my backup QB.
Navid Sadri – Gore and Marshall are flat our carrying Navid’s team right now. Those two beasts can do that the entire season (I won’t be surprised if
Marshall finishes the season as the top ranked receiver despite missing a game). Navid really needs to get some production out of Kevin Smith, but
most importantly keeper Braylon Edwards needs to play like one.
Josh Lukin – In need of a win and Josh got it thanks in large part to Reggie Bush’s ridiculous day. Seems like the biggest beneficiary of Colston and
Shockey going down will be Bush. Off to a bad start, but Lukin’s team could be interesting with Mendenall starting and Colston returning soon.
Jarrett Blass – Jarrett needed a win badly and Ronnie Brown helped deliver it. A lot of people were down on his team, but keep in mind that Steve Smith
was out those two weeks. That was the price he paid. Going forward, I don’t expect more big days like that from Ronnie B. But Smith should get back on
track and Jarrett should have another decent borderline playoff team…just kidding.
Marc Epstein – What is there to say about our matchup? We both are 1-2. Both struggling after week one wins. And we both desperately want and
need that second win. The team that goes 1-3 will not make the playoffs. Good luck.
Have a good weekend everyone. I promise to me in a better mood next week.
For those following along, here is a brief recap of the past nine days.
Monday: Company go bankrupt. Brian lose job. Brian number one priority…find another job. Parker’s team kicks Brian’s ass and Parker beats Brian in
dance off. All in all…not a very good day.
Tuesday: Company still bankrupt. Brian still looking for job. Headhunters (those bastards) trying to take advantage of situation.
Wednesday: Company may get sold. Brian may keep job. Hope and Optimism exist. Rich decides to text Brian telling him he hates him. Hope and
Optimism go out the window.
Thursday: Part of company sold. Brian may or may not keep job. But he gets more time to look for another job. In the meantime, Brian goes to San
Gennaro festival with the lovely girlfriend. They have Cuban food and funnel cake. Too much ginger on the chicken ruins the meal. Hope and Optimism
are now on the ledge.
Friday: Brian gets wisdom tooth pulled. Then watches the girlfriend eat curly fries, while he has to have porridge like one of the three bears. Hope is
now on the ground knocked out cold with blood pouring everywhere. Optimism has pushed Hope off the ledge and is mock laughing at him while
pointing.
Saturday: Still can’t eat. But must attend two birthday parties. Not able to make Brian Sherman’s b’day party. Jason and Marc upset. No longer friends.
Hope and Optimism are on life support.
Sunday: Ronnie Brown decides to punch me in the crotch. Hope and Optimism have a joint wake. Burial scheduled for Monday night.
Monday: Brian not offered job with new company. Must stay behind to bankrupt the company. Ronnie Brown personally delivers the news as he beats
the Patriots defense for another TD, which he throws to himself.
Tuesday: Brian embarks on 4 and ½ hour adventure to get iPhone. Not worth it. Ronnie Brown is the Best Buy employee hired to help activate the
phone. He scores another TD.
Wednesday: Brian writes his weekly article so you all can laugh at his expense.
Thursday: Brian has plate full of curly fries. Hope and Optimism come back from the dead like Nathan Petrelli.
Sorry Scott, no paragraphs this week. Just bullet points.
- I hear Brockman manor is the equivalent of the Playboy mansion.
- After hearing that Hank “F’n” Baskett is engaged to Kendra Wilkinson (One of Hef’s girlfriends), I think I might try and trade for him. Maybe I can
also pick up Jeff Garcia, Adam Archuleta, Cade McNown, Tim Couch, and whichever other NFL players got lucky enough to snatch a playboy
centerfold. - Jason Cantor, I’ve been 0-3 before and I know it sucks. But you’ve just had some bad luck. I am calling your team a sleeping giant.
- Has anyone been watching Entourage? It’s only a watchable show now as opposed to its early years when it was must-watch, but last weeks
episode was hilarious.
- Jason Sherman’s team is looking scary. Jason’s face is looking even scarier. (Kidding. But someone has to bring you down a few notches)
- I haven’t been watching much TV this year. Anybody know if Fringe, 90210, or any of the other new shows are any good?
- Is Trent Green really the answer?
- The Steven Jackson years have not gone as planned for me. I should have taken Brian Westbrook.
- I see a Steven Jackson-esque 90 catches for Reggie Bush this year. He’ll be a top 5 fantasy RB in our league.
- Wow the Mets suck. And it’s not even entirely the bullpen. They can’t hit in the clutch (other than Delgado).
- Rumor has it that the CEO of my company lost $699M in stock. I still don’t feel sorry for him.
- Rumor also has it that the former COO of my company had to file bankruptcy. Don’t feel sorry for him either.
- So you’re telling me the best companies are not interested in a guy with a CPA and who writes his own column on retiredorangemen.com?
Really?? - I also lost in the finals of my fantasy baseball league. Will nothing go right for me?
- Fantasy basketball season starts in just over a month. Dare I ask, but who is in?
- I think the podcast has stolen the thunder of all the great columnists. Jay doesn’t write anymore, instead opting to be the next Dane Cook. Marc
mails his predictions and recap in. And I’m writing bullet points. Oh well, at least we still have the message boa…nevermind. - Can you tell that I am writing for the sake of writing? I have nothing this week guys…sorry.
Who cares about your teams? I do. I do.
Jason – Could Jason have the best QB in fantasy? Cutler, Romo, and Rivers. Who would have thunk it? Guess I took Drew Brees way too early.
Although Cotchery hasn’t exploded like some of us thought he would have.
Parker – Your worst nightmare almost came true. Westbrook and McNabb going down to injury. McNabb looks ok, but Westbrook could be out this week
and maybe more. Those two guys are carrying his team right now (along with help from the Tennessee defense), because he’s getting nothing from
Santonio Holmes and Joey Galloway. Addai and Welker have only been passable.
Chris Brockman – Talk about lucky. I’ve always thought that Chris was one of the luckier members of the league (at least in the regular season). He
wins by the smallest of margins and when he has a low point total. Not to put the man down, just saying. Besides, luck plays a bigger role in this game
than skill. (This was meant as a compliment. Apologies to Chris if it did not come across that way).
Dave Allocco – No complaints from Dave this week. Guess the Brady depression only lasts about two weeks. I wonder if there is a cycle to it. Much like
Dave’s descent into madness?
…Wow, Andre Johnson has not been very good. I guess Dwayne Bowe would have been a better keeper option (which is what Dave briefly
considered). Although Bowe hasn’t been great either.
Nick Serrano – Nick will be attending the debate on Friday night. Not as an audience member, but instead he’ll be the third participant representing the
ROFFL party…he’s got my vote.
…Man does that Julius Jones pick look good. Nick had RB problems last year. But not this year. His problem is the rest of his roster…just kidding Nick.
Chris Rosenthall – I think only you and Chris Brockman write comments on other people’s matchups. Way to go rookie. You just might become a valued
member of this league after all…just kidding.
…Still waiting for Peyton to show up. Jamal Lewis doesn’t look good. Good thing you have Selvin Young.
Jay Cantor – Saw the clip of your comedy show on Youtube. I thought you were good and encourage you to keep at it if you have the time…
…Also saw your team. I think it sucks and you should just quit. Just kidding. I think Jay reminds me of Jason’s team last year. Started off slow. Your star
players are off to slow starts. But then it all comes together and you finish in second place.
Rich Kiss – Was it just me or did Rich talk way too fast on his podcast interview? It’s all good Rich. I still listened. As a matter of fact, I downloaded it to
my iPod, and play it while I commute to work. I don’t know what it is, but something about your voice just gets me prepared for the miserable day at work
I have ahead of me. Just kidding (That’s my phrase of the day).
…As far as your team goes, all I can say is welcome back TJ Houshmanzadeh. If he returns to form, Romo keeps putting up those 3 TD days, then Rich
just might be able to win the championship. Just kidding…
Scott Watson – Scott emailed me last week to tell me he enjoyed my article. I told him to kiss my ass. And our rivalry continues…
…in a completely unrelated note. Calvin Johnson sucks. Drop him immediately. And if Jon Kitna is benched and Detroit turns to the Drew Stanton era,
then forget about it. But I’ll be kind and take him off your hands. I’ll even give you my backup QB.
Navid Sadri – Gore and Marshall are flat our carrying Navid’s team right now. Those two beasts can do that the entire season (I won’t be surprised if
Marshall finishes the season as the top ranked receiver despite missing a game). Navid really needs to get some production out of Kevin Smith, but
most importantly keeper Braylon Edwards needs to play like one.
Josh Lukin – In need of a win and Josh got it thanks in large part to Reggie Bush’s ridiculous day. Seems like the biggest beneficiary of Colston and
Shockey going down will be Bush. Off to a bad start, but Lukin’s team could be interesting with Mendenall starting and Colston returning soon.
Jarrett Blass – Jarrett needed a win badly and Ronnie Brown helped deliver it. A lot of people were down on his team, but keep in mind that Steve Smith
was out those two weeks. That was the price he paid. Going forward, I don’t expect more big days like that from Ronnie B. But Smith should get back on
track and Jarrett should have another decent borderline playoff team…just kidding.
Marc Epstein – What is there to say about our matchup? We both are 1-2. Both struggling after week one wins. And we both desperately want and
need that second win. The team that goes 1-3 will not make the playoffs. Good luck.
Have a good weekend everyone. I promise to me in a better mood next week.