City. Eli was nice enough to grant me an interview and answer some hard questions about the Giants, his future with the
organization, and his thoughts on the Retired Orangemen Fantasy Football League. A quick excerpt of that conversation:
C: Is there a QB controversy in New York?
EM: Sure is. I mean, what’s Exploterica going to do? Pennington is out, and the market on QB’s is limited. I say trade C45 for
me. I should get some playing time next week after Warner throws his third interception, and have the starting job by week 11.
And besides, everyone knows I don’t get along with C45’s owner. I mean common, a baseball guy running a football team?!
Ludicrous! Man, he’s such a good singer. Hey, you going to eat that donut?
C: It’s called a bagel.
It was a brilliant interview with brilliant writing by a brilliant inquisitor. But I digress.
This year, as Week 9 – or as I like the call it “Commish Recap is getting boring and needs to liven up” – approached I began to
think of who I could reach out to this year and inspire to talk to me about this season. And what a season it has been (wait for
“Scott Watson’s Playoff Preview 2005” due sometime this week). Especially this week. The Swami actually went 1-6 this week,
his worst outing in over 2 years…
After some calls to Terrell Owen’s camp (apparently they were busy today with a press conference) and to Priest Holmes home
(apparently he was busy today with rehab that no one seemed to know about). After several hours of this, I finally gave one
final phone call to my ideal interview. Two people that have made me think a lot recently, take time to myself, thinking. They
have made me contemplate my dreams more and more these days and made me long to quit my job and move to a slower,
more peaceful life down South.
Gentlemen, please welcome former Carolina Panthers cheerleaders Angela Keathley and Renee Thomas.
C: Ladies, welcome to ROFFL. It is truly a pleasure to have you here.
AK/RT: Thanks, it’s great to be here.
AK/RT: AYEEE!
AK: Oh my goodness – we totally said that together.
RT: Oh my! That is too funny [both laugh together and then kiss]
C: Ok, ladies, that’s enough… ok, it’s not, but we must move on. Some quick questions: You two were found having sex with
EACH OTHER in a bathroom stall over the weekend. Is this correct?
AK/RT: Yes.
C: And there were no men involved?
AK: That’s correct.
C: DAMN! And is it true that when another bar patron approached you Renee, that you punch her in the face?
RT: It’s sad, but true. The truth is I was, like, TOTALLY drunk and horny. And this fat b*tch with a mustache bigger than Ron
Jeremy’s get’s in my grill about having to take a “dump” and that I’m totally “running her play with her boy” just cause she’s been
squeezing her ass checks together for the past hour. I mean, here I am, trying to get my groove on with my girl Ang, and b*tch
has to playa hate. It’s just not right Marc.
C: No, no it’s not. B*tch be playing’.
AK: Don’t even try, it doesn’t work on you.
C: Um, ok… sorry. On follow up question Renee: Is it true that when you were arrested, you
gave the police the name of another Carolina cheerleader, namely Kristen Owen, a student at
UNC, who’s into 80’s rock-n-roll, family, and wake surfing (according to her bio on the Carolina
Panthers cheerleading page). Because you are also a student an UNC, is that why you gave
her name?
RT: I sure did. I am so used to copying her work, that I just got into the habit of copying her
name. Come on, what are the odds that the cops would arrest a sweet, caring, college student?
I mean, how did they find out who I really was anyway? I bet that fat whore at the bar rattied me
out. In hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have yelled “Don’t f*ck with Renee Thomas ever again,
B*TCH”!
C: Yes, probably a bad idea. Now Angela, word is that you were so drunk you could barley walk.
My question is: how drunk would you need to be to do hard core porn?
AK: The funny thing is, I’m a registered nurse. So basically, I already have a costume
RT: [laughs]
AK: Stop it…
RT: What? You’re so cute in that costume. [licks AK’s nipple]
C: Awkward… Getting back to some serious stuff here, can I ask you ladies some questions about the Retired Orangemen
Fantasy Football League?
AK\RT: Sure.
AK: I love “ROFF” football. I am such a fan. I actually have a Colt .45s thong on right now, see? [drops pants; RT kisses AK’s
but cheek] Stop it! You know I haven’t worked out since we got arrested.
RT: Oh stop it you look fabulous.
AK: Oh you…
C: This is really hot. Getting back, can you ladies shed some light on Shermtanks this year? I mean, Jason is pretty reliable as
an owner/GM, and has never missed the playoffs since the inception of the league, and has been to back to back ROFF bowls.
He now sits at 1-8, guarantying he will miss his first playoffs, and…
AK: And nothing. This has been a horrible year for his team, but he has a girlfriend. Last year was a great year for his team,
but he couldn’t get laid by Parker if he wanted to. It’s toss off, and he’s even Steven Sherman. He evens out in the end.
RT: Yeah, the Fantasy Football G-ds want him to FINALLY get an award, and they figured the only one they could guarantee
him was the Toilet Bowl Award. Enjoy!
C: Lukin and Married with Ravens are one win away from becoming the first team in League history with 30 wins. But he is
currently on a two game slide, and with Culpepper gone – probably the best player in Lukin Franchise history – what does the
future hold for him?
RT: It’s not pretty. First off, he could have TOTALLY had me, had he not gotten married.
AK: Oh, you flirt.
RT: Shut up!
AK: No, you… [more kissing]
RT: mmmwwaa… anyhow, except for that big week Burress had, he has been puttering along all year, and is averaging just 72
points since Culpepper went down. With Fitz gone, he better hope that Crumpler and Plummer are the big assets he is hoping
they will be.
AK: You’re so cute.
C: Moving on – you are, by the way – Navid is riding a 4 game win streak, and is 13-9 as Nomads in the Deep, with one ROFF
Bowl under his belt. Will he be our first repeat champion?
RT: I wouldn’t be surprised.
AK: Yeah, if there is one thing he has shown in the last two years it’s A) he can accumulate the points and B) he gets better as
the season goes on. Priest going down is a blessing in disguise cause now Johnson is not splitting carries, and who Nomads
starts that week is never in question. Dunn is turning out to be a great keeper choice, and Stevie is my hero.
RT: Yeah, our boy Steve is DA BOMB!
AK: Renny, did I ever tell you that I hooked up with him at the Panthers Christmas party last year? He was wearing his jersey
and a Santa hat, and I was stripping for some of the interns. Well, he comes over and is all like “Yo, I’m Steve Smith” and I’m all
like “Yeah, I know.” Cut to me with my legs up in the back of his Plymouth. It was so hot.
C: Now, there’s a story that will get us sued. Ehem, depending on which day you get him, Five Second Stare can look pretty (5
games at 120+) and not so pretty (4 games at minus-90). Will his team even out enough to get him his second Championship?
AK: First off, he is pretty every day. I would love to strap him down and braid his hair. That would be sooooo hot.
RT: Ang, concentrate. Five is definitely having a bi-polar season. Tomlison and Leftwich seem to steady. If he had another
hot RB (Edgerrin James, Dunn, Barber) he would be unstoppable. But his weeks depend on Galloway/Johnson to much. Once
they realize that they are JOEY GALLOWAY AND KEYSHAWN JOHNSON respectively, his team will level off.
C: That was very well said. Surprising team of the year?
AK: propaganda. I love Russian dudes, cause they all remind me of Dolph Lundgren in Rocky IV. But not Nick. And I didn’t
think he had a chance. And still don’t. But last week, 4 of his 9 players were brand new. Is it any coincidence that it was also
the first week he broke 100? In the last 4 weeks, propo has shown double digit increases in his scores. Being 4-5, he is very
much alive for a playoff run.
C: Picks to win the whole thing?
AK: I would make out behind Brick Walls any day.
RT: Would you take me?
AK: Most definitely. Who would you pick?
RT: Call me crazy, but I like to Nomads to repeat. And I hear that Navid is a homeowner…
C: …and taken. Ladies, thank you so much for your time. My final question for the night: Seeing as you two are about as loose
as Jell-O on a slip-n-slide, any chance I could get into the action with you two?
AK: Nope.
RT: None chance.
C: There you have it… till Week 9 next year, there is your Commish recap. Best of luck to everyone this week. The Swami had
a horrendous week going 1-6, but he bounces back with his thoughts on Friday night.
