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Despite missing an article in Week 11 (which a lot of writers did,
thanks to the Pilgrims and their fucking holiday…although I will
go on the record and state that Thanksgiving is in the Top 3 Best
Holidays of the year, along with Independence Day and My
Birthday, and completely trumping Valentine’s Day and
Halloween…but I digress) and failing to publish one prior to
Week 12, I am back in the days leading up to a crucial Week 13,
and in the spirit of the intensity, I have decided to lump all three
weeks worth of articles into one final, colossal Tank’s Trends (as
evidenced by the preceding sentence, which was probably a run
on sentence, but I will have to check with Mrs. Rothstein, my
10,000 Maniacs-loving Junior High School English teacher…or
with league member Nicholas Serrano who earns his rotund
salary by teaching foreigners this insanely complicated language
that America stole from Great Britain…but again, I digress).
Anyway, feedback from Mrs. Rothstein and Mr. Stick is
forthcoming.
Wow. I mean, really, wow. I want to go on the record (I like
“going on the record”, as evidenced by my second reference to
“the record” in my first two Tank’s Trends items this week) and
state that my “wow” is in reference to how fast this season has
gone. I mean, doesn’t it seem like just yesterday that I was
announcing my keepers, you were all impressed, and then I
followed them up with an encore named LaDanian “Emmitt Smith
who? Oh, the guy who won Dancing With The Stars!”
Tomlinson? It does, doesn’t it? But it only gets better from
here…I cant believe we’re staring another ROFFL postseason in
the face already. This, by the way, has the potential to be the
most intense playoffs yet. With FN dominating in recent weeks
and a lot of the regular faces back in the mix, we could see a
tremendous outburst of points and excitement in Weeks 14-16
this year. Good luck to all the playoff teams. Championship
prediction? Tanks over Crabs. And I get to drop a tea bag on
Gregg.
You didn’t think I could do it, did you. Although my
aforementioned end-of-season article-writing slump is
unacceptable, I am proud that I have made it through an entire
season of writing for www.retiredorangemen.com. And I am
proud to call Brian Yeung, Jay Cantor, Scott Watson, Marc
Epstein, and Josh Lukin writing colleagues. See you guys in the
press box (except for Josh…he’ll be too busy chatting it up with
Berman and Young on the sidelines and in the bathrooms).
If you haven’t emailed me back yet, please do so. I really was not
kidding in my email. IF I DO NOT RECEIVE AN EMAIL FROM YOU
SPECIFICALLY TELLING ME YOU ARE ATTENDING THE PARTY, YOU
WILL NOT BE ON THE EMAIL INVITE. So be there, or get a lead
pipe shoved up your poop chute.
thanks to the Pilgrims and their fucking holiday…although I will
go on the record and state that Thanksgiving is in the Top 3 Best
Holidays of the year, along with Independence Day and My
Birthday, and completely trumping Valentine’s Day and
Halloween…but I digress) and failing to publish one prior to
Week 12, I am back in the days leading up to a crucial Week 13,
and in the spirit of the intensity, I have decided to lump all three
weeks worth of articles into one final, colossal Tank’s Trends (as
evidenced by the preceding sentence, which was probably a run
on sentence, but I will have to check with Mrs. Rothstein, my
10,000 Maniacs-loving Junior High School English teacher…or
with league member Nicholas Serrano who earns his rotund
salary by teaching foreigners this insanely complicated language
that America stole from Great Britain…but again, I digress).
Anyway, feedback from Mrs. Rothstein and Mr. Stick is
forthcoming.
Wow. I mean, really, wow. I want to go on the record (I like
“going on the record”, as evidenced by my second reference to
“the record” in my first two Tank’s Trends items this week) and
state that my “wow” is in reference to how fast this season has
gone. I mean, doesn’t it seem like just yesterday that I was
announcing my keepers, you were all impressed, and then I
followed them up with an encore named LaDanian “Emmitt Smith
who? Oh, the guy who won Dancing With The Stars!”
Tomlinson? It does, doesn’t it? But it only gets better from
here…I cant believe we’re staring another ROFFL postseason in
the face already. This, by the way, has the potential to be the
most intense playoffs yet. With FN dominating in recent weeks
and a lot of the regular faces back in the mix, we could see a
tremendous outburst of points and excitement in Weeks 14-16
this year. Good luck to all the playoff teams. Championship
prediction? Tanks over Crabs. And I get to drop a tea bag on
Gregg.
You didn’t think I could do it, did you. Although my
aforementioned end-of-season article-writing slump is
unacceptable, I am proud that I have made it through an entire
season of writing for www.retiredorangemen.com. And I am
proud to call Brian Yeung, Jay Cantor, Scott Watson, Marc
Epstein, and Josh Lukin writing colleagues. See you guys in the
press box (except for Josh…he’ll be too busy chatting it up with
Berman and Young on the sidelines and in the bathrooms).
If you haven’t emailed me back yet, please do so. I really was not
kidding in my email. IF I DO NOT RECEIVE AN EMAIL FROM YOU
SPECIFICALLY TELLING ME YOU ARE ATTENDING THE PARTY, YOU
WILL NOT BE ON THE EMAIL INVITE. So be there, or get a lead
pipe shoved up your poop chute.
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Jay really put it best. With his win over a subpar Shermtanks
performance in Week 12, FN would need 13 consecutive wins
overall to go on to win a third straight title. Unheard of, and dare
I say, impossible. Prediction? FN is bounced in the second
round of the playoffs by Nose.
All TRUE Retired Orangemen. All Brew 3 alums. All great
warriors. All flaming fudge packers. Congratulations on a solid
season, boys. Despite missing the playoffs this year, I will still
fear you all on draft day next year: Nick for his quiet arrogance,
Dave for his hands, Brian for his 3” “binder” (and by 3” binder, I
mean that Brian has a 3” penis…funny sexual innuendo there),
Parker for his 12” “binder”, and Rich for his ownership of the
Toilet Bowl. Wait a second…this is in “Stock Down”…FUCK YOU
GUYS…YOU ALL SUCK!!!
Just to conclude…this has been a fantastic season. Personally, I
have enjoyed a bit of fantasy success, which was made sweeter
having experienced the extreme lows of last season. It’s not
over by any means…I can only hope that LDT and Big Phil have
enough oomph to carry me to that ever-elusive trophy that I so
desire. But kidding aside, it’s been a great season full of ups
and downs…with plenty in between. To all of my comrades, I wish
you luck in the playoffs if you should make it, and luck in the
offseason should you not. Once again, I am proud to say that the
14 of us are closer than we were a year ago, and I can only hope
this trend is a Stock Up for years to come.
performance in Week 12, FN would need 13 consecutive wins
overall to go on to win a third straight title. Unheard of, and dare
I say, impossible. Prediction? FN is bounced in the second
round of the playoffs by Nose.
All TRUE Retired Orangemen. All Brew 3 alums. All great
warriors. All flaming fudge packers. Congratulations on a solid
season, boys. Despite missing the playoffs this year, I will still
fear you all on draft day next year: Nick for his quiet arrogance,
Dave for his hands, Brian for his 3” “binder” (and by 3” binder, I
mean that Brian has a 3” penis…funny sexual innuendo there),
Parker for his 12” “binder”, and Rich for his ownership of the
Toilet Bowl. Wait a second…this is in “Stock Down”…FUCK YOU
GUYS…YOU ALL SUCK!!!
Just to conclude…this has been a fantastic season. Personally, I
have enjoyed a bit of fantasy success, which was made sweeter
having experienced the extreme lows of last season. It’s not
over by any means…I can only hope that LDT and Big Phil have
enough oomph to carry me to that ever-elusive trophy that I so
desire. But kidding aside, it’s been a great season full of ups
and downs…with plenty in between. To all of my comrades, I wish
you luck in the playoffs if you should make it, and luck in the
offseason should you not. Once again, I am proud to say that the
14 of us are closer than we were a year ago, and I can only hope
this trend is a Stock Up for years to come.
