Published September 5
- Congratulations to everyone again for making the draft a special weekend.
- Quote of the week, “I'm Rex, founder of the Rex Kwan Do self-defense system! After one week with me in my
dojo, you'll be prepared to defend yourself with the strength of a grizzly, the reflexes of a puma, and the
wisdom of a man.” - In all honesty I thought everyone did a great job drafting.
- Here’s the list, finally Watson will shut the fuck up.
- I can’t believe we met enough girls that I could fill this list up with 14 of them.
- I will never admit that any of you are better looking then me.
HANDSOME (BEAUTIFUL) The first Bride – Her Blonde hair was flowing, she apparently let me collapse on her
shoulder, twice, stuck a dollar down G. Money’s pants, and let Sherman stick that same dollar down her bra. The
only questions remains: Why the fuck is she getting married?
- COLT .45’s – Thanks to trades last year and the fact that he sucked, he was able to keep Portis and KJ and
grab Chad Johnson with the third pick. I’m not a huge fan of the Derrick Mason pick but grabbing Favre in the
5th round really set up a great core of guys you want on your fantasy team. Not a bad start to the season.
HOT The chick with glasses – She was in one picture (which didn’t even do her justice) and she didn’t say a word to
any of us, yet she perfectly defines the word ‘Hot.’ Anyone of us, especially the ones that are in relationships, would
want to fuck her. And every one of us would be mildly disappointed waking up next to her the next day. Like, “hmm,
but she was so hot last night.”
- DUCKVILLE QUAKERS – I was fortunate enough to see what Parker was thinking first hand. He desperately
wanted Chad Johnson but “settled” for Marvin Harrison. Holding out for a running back could work to his
advantage by taking Fred Taylor and a guy who could be starting later this year, Mewelde Moore.
Quarterback may be a question mark for PK but Julius Jones should mean he wont have the issues he had
last year with his keepers Travis Henry and Stephen Davis.
SEXY The really tan “Brides Maid” – A part or the 4th group of chicks we ended up partying with. Without a doubt,
she wasn’t the skinniest girl of the night, but she definitely was the sexiest. With her white thong hanging out for us
to see and let’s face it, if you like nice round asses, you want to straight up stick your face in this chick’s.
- BLADE BROWN – When does Brian not have a good draft? Of course a lot of this is contingent on what you
feel about Kerry Collins. Brian doesn’t think that much of him or he wouldn’t have gone out of his way to get
Delhomme. However, I think Ronnie Brown stays the starter all year and Ryan Moats might be a guy we’re
talking about in Week 15. And I love the McCariens pick, so much so that I was going to choose him next. If
Mike Anderson starts the whole year I have a feeling this season is the one B. Smooth breaks out.
GOOD-LOOKING The “other” Brides Maid – Another member of the 4th group (by far the hottest) she was the one
all the way on the left next to Dave in the group shot. She was just straight up good-looking. With a girl like that
you're just happy that she’s hanging out with you.
- BALTIMORE TOOLS – If this was about keepers for next year Marc would be fucked, but this is solely about
the draft and the chances of winning this year. The Curtis Martin pick was safe, but good. Marc has a team of
good, safe picks and it’s hard to look at any and say, “That was bad move.” Pittsburgh D, Santana Moss,
Todd Heap, all these guys look like they were taken at the right time. There might have been a reach for
Calico but he was a sleeper many of us were considering and Jimmy Smith is getting over the hill a bit.
CUTE The “Bride” – it said it on the back of her shirt and if you couldn’t tell, Marc had no problem pointing it out.
The perfect girl to associate with the word cute, 5 years ago you would wish she was living next to you in your dorm
so on nights when you both got drunk you can look forward to a blow job in either of your rooms and then talk about
this other guy she likes the next day.
- FIVE SECOND STARE – No way do I dog out my own draft. When Brian picked Ronnie Brown I had not an
ounce of desire to jump on Kevan Barlow even though he was the running back I felt I needed to take. I
thought he’d be gone so I was more than satisfied to settle for him in the next round and grab Javon Walker in
the 3rd round. Tatum Bell could literally make or break my team but at least I don’t have Tyrone Wheatley.
Keary Colbert is an obvious question mark as is my quarterback situation. I’m not a fan of the bottom of my
draft, I feel there was better options out there.
ATTRACTIVE In a group shot with Lukin, myself, Jay and Jarrett, there are two girls standing next to Jay, the one
right next to him(she’s got a black top and white pants) – I don’t remember her at all, but looking at the photos she
looks pretty attractive to me. Extra points for being nice enough to rub up against Jay, which sadly means she’s blind.
- SHERMTANKS – As Parker and I discussed at the draft, Jay’s team didn’t seam very Shermtank-like. I don’t
like the Michael Bennett pick and I think there was more value out there when he chose Moulds. However, the
Benson pick was great and I think Sherman had the best draft from 6 -12, historically, where the Champion is
made.
DECENT “The Girl with Parker” – Parker dancing with this girl and obviously looking down her shirt as she
unknowingly looks directly at the camera. She looked pretty good to me and I don’t think any of us single guys
would have minded taking her back to suite 1101 and F’ing her in the Jacuzzi.
- BORN TO RUN MY MOUTH – Braylon Edwards? We can all be eating that soon. Who knows? But Edwards
might have a year in which he should have gone earlier. I think Williams will be the best rookie running back
this year and I (personally) think that Lelie and Coles are good picks but they both could have dud years.
Best pick could be Randle El who is officially the #2 man in Pittsburgh and will get you tons of return yards and
another nice pick with Clayton in the bottom of the draft.
EH You remember that long explanation I wrote for “Attractive?” Well the ‘Eh’ award goes to the girl all the way to the
right – I don’t really remember her too much either but the next few people I list are people that I’d bang if I had
some alcohol in me and I’m not too sure I wouldn’t have familiar relations with this girl sober.
- NEW JERSEY JACOBINS – It helps that Randy Moss just fell into Dave’s lap but he made the right move in
taking him. If Bettis retakes the starting job in week 3 than there’s no way Dave is the grossest team in the
league this year. Having Droughns and Duckett this year might be useful. If there is a kicker to reach for it’s
Vinatieri but I feel that the last 5 picks of Dave’s draft are questionable.
NOT INTERESTED In the same photo, the chick I have my arm around with the gold outfit – We might as well call this
the “she’s cool” award for being the chick that isn’t physically appealing but was so cool that you’d F her because you’
re too drunk to care about anything but the fact that you’re talking to someone with tits and without a dick.
- BROCK’S BANDITS – You just love picking QB’s and WR’s on the same team. Rudi Johnson could be the best
pick in the first round but I thought Brady was a reach with Favre there and Branch was a reach with a ton of
other receivers available. But Brock made good middle round picks in Buffalo’s Defense, Randy McMichael,
and Lee Suggs (a worthwhile gamble).
IF I HAD A FEW DRINKS IN ME The last of the 4 green Brides Maids – I don’t really find her face appealing but the
rest of the girls on this list I wouldn’t have sex with even when I’m drunk so I have to be careful with this pick. It looks
like she has a nice body and a good tan. If you add those to plus the one too many drinks I had, I’d take this girl to
Pleasure Town.
- NOMADS IN THE DEEP – Navid was in a weird situation. He obviously had to keep Priest Holmes but had to
draft LJ early to make sure he had him. Keeping Dunn is understandable even though he might miss Antonio
Gates. The Stephan Davis pick was low risk, high reward because as of right now he’s the starter in
Charlotte. However Steve Smith is an injury case, Donald Driver is the #2 option in Green Bay and Michael
Clayton has to breakthrough the possibility of the sophomore slump.
NOT GOOD LOOKING Time to get mean. The chick I’m grabbing a life savor from and the girl holding the dick that
Jarrett would apparently like to suck – It actually looks like this chick has a really nice body but a Good Looking
person would straight up call this chick a “butterface.” And if you don’t know what a butterface is, get with the times.
- NOSE – Questions, questions, questions…. That’s all it’s about with 2r’s 2t’s. J.J. Arrington over Carnell
Williams? Carson Palmer at QB? Anquan Boldin staying healthy? Reche Caldwell staying healthy? Ricky
Williams starting? Mike Williams as #2 receiver? If these things pan out for him, Jarrett’s got one of the best
team in the league but I’m not so sure all of this will happen.
ONLY FOR $1 MILLION The apparent best friend of the first bride to be (the beautiful one). She looked good in
one picture but struck out swinging the rest of the way. This is sort of a rough call, because I’d bang this chick for a
quarter-mil easy.
- BRICK WALLS AND TREES – And you were so looking forward to this, I’m sorry Watson. In all fairness I took
his 1st pick with my 1st pick. Bulger was a nice pick but I’m not a huge fan of Chambers and Stallworth
(although I want to be because I have Brooks). Eric Johnson is injured and of course I still don’t know why you
didn’t keep Randy Moss.
IF I WAS BLIND The last bride of the night, in the Turquoise dress – Um, she seemed like a sweet girl.
- MARRIED WITH RAVENS – Maybe it’s because Lukin had such a stacked team last year. This year however I’
m not so sure. His first pick isn’t starting and when Cedric Benson takes over as a starter, what happens to
Thomas Jones? Plus there are significant gambles at wide receiver with Burress and personally, I’m not a
huge fan of Darrell Jackson.
GROSS The fat chick Sherman was dancing with – I hate to rip on Jay because he was on fire that night. This was
definitely the low point of his career. The problem with the girl you ask? Put it this way, if you told me she ate live
children whole, I wouldn’t think you crazy.
- PROPAGANDA – I can safely put Nick here because he lives so far away right now and is apparently dating a
hot Russian chick, which I of course am envious of. Because I thought everyone drafted well, I’ll only say that I
wasn’t a fan of Nick’s wide outs, sporting an aging Bruce, an injury prone Rogers, and a couple of 3rd wide
outs in Johnson and Curry. You have to like his keepers though and a great pick in Faulk. I’m willing to bet
things would be different had Nick been in AC. And yes, I am ready and willing to be called any variation of
Five Second Season throughout this year.
