Published October 5
- Congratulations to the winners of week 4
- Quote of the week, “What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or
watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids
listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I
listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?” – High
Fidelity - The Good Looking Quote of Last Week: “Until he loses, Brock, nice ass and all, doesn’t move from this spot.”
- Apparently no one else in American really wanted to see that movie, “Serenity.”
- Any reason we’re getting the Yankee game at 10:00pm on a weekday?
- I will never admit that any of you are better looking then me.
HANDSOME (BEAUTIFUL) BRICK WALLS AND TREES (last week: BROCK'S BANDITS)
Obviously, I lied. But after Scotty Watts’ big win (against me) last week, it’s hard to argue that he’s the most
handsome-est team in the league. The key is LaMont Jordan, who got on track against the Cowboys last week. If
LaMont can play like that the rest of the way BWT could take home ‘The Prize.’ It’s worth noting that Westbrook had
a terrible week and still had over 10 points and Marc Bulger might never win another real game but he certainly
knows how to win a fantasy game.
HOT BROCK’S BANDITS (last week: BRICK WALLS AND TREES)
Despite the nice ass, Brock drops just a bit to Hot. The Brady/Branch connection finally didn’t perform and well, fact
is, his whole team didn’t perform. But a win’s a win and I don’t see Alexander not playing better against the Rams.
The wide receiver depth for Brock is still a bit weak though and that’s the Achilles heel of the Bandits.
SEXY NOMADS IN THE DEEP (last week: NOMADS IN THE DEEP)
The returning champ is making an early but serious run at repeating. It was a great move to keep Warrick Dunn and
based on reports, the Chiefs will change their 60/40 running policy to something more like 80/20 in favor of Priest,
which means the Nomads have become even Deeper than before. Though it appears that even Navid isn’t immune
from the 3rd pick jinx… as of now, Michael Clayton is riding the bench.
GOOD-LOOKING MARRIED WITH RAVENS (last week: BLADE BROWN)
This year it’s all about winning in spite of Daunte Culpepper for Lukin… it’s just hard to believe that David Carr has
outperformed Culpepper twice in four weeks. Lukin is a little vulnerable in week 5 starting both Carr and Antonio
Bryant over Plaxico Burress who might end up as the best pick in the draft, value wise. Lukin is very weak at Tight
End but that’s not as big of a negative as McGahee, Foster, Jones, and Parker is a positive.
CUTE COLT .45’S (last week: NEW JERSEY JACOBINS)
No surprises that G. Money was involved in the first trade of the season. I don’t think it made his team better or
worse really… he has no desire to Chris Brown, J.J. Arrington or Marcel Shipp but considering he had KJ last year, J.
J. seems like a worthy gamble. As for the good-looking and bad-looking…. His running backs are still allergic to the
end zone but he has a fantasy freak in Chad Johnson and Brett Favre is still putting up great fantasy numbers. I’m
going to wish you luck this week big guy, whether I want to have sex with your or not.
ATTRACTIVE NEW JERSEY JACOBINS (last week: COLT .45’S)
Despite the win, Dave drops a tad after squeaking by Nick the Quick. Jers’ has a very strong nucleus in Barber,
Brees and Moss. If he can start getting numbers from Gonzalez and some consistency from Smith and Bennett,
Dave’s team should dramatically increase in hotness. And let’s congratulate the 2004 Toilet Bowl winner for already
surpassing his win total from last season.
DECENT NOSE (last week: NOSE)
JB upgraded his team when he brought in Chris Brown and he already had one of the best Quarterbacks in the
game. Despite the low touchdown total, the trio of Horn, Boldin and Muhammad is pretty dangerous and Mike
Williams has become more valuable with Charles Rogers being suspended for 4 games. We’re still waiting for
Steven Jackson to play like a #1 RB, I’m not so sure it will happen this season…. So long as Mike Martz is in charge.
EH BLADE BROWN (last week: MARRIED WITH RAVENS)
Terrell Owens is very good. More proof that depth pays off, Brian is benching Mike Anderson (Redskins) in favor of
Ronnie Brown (Bills). Kevin Curtis and Robert Ferguson have become good plays but I’m not so sure they can carry
a team. Jack Delhomme gets the start this week and I don’t know if Brian was thinking of it when he was drafting, but
Cajun Jake gets ‘Zona while Kerry gets the bye. Guess that’s why he’s the silent assassin.
NOT INTERESTED BALTIMORE TOOLS (last week: DUCKVILLE QUACKERS)
The commish started off good (by kicking my ass) but has slid a bit since, losing 3 in a row. Marc appears to be fairly
strong at wide out but now his 3rd round pick, C-Mart, is approaching bust status… he generally starts slow until
week 5 but he’s got a tough Tampa defense and a grandfather quarterbacking the team. If Big Ben has a big week,
there’s no doubt Marc starts him throughout the rest of the season, because he’s been dying to since week 2.
IF I HAD A FEW DRINKS IN ME DUCKVILLE QUACKERS (last week: BALTIMORE TOOLS)
Parker’s team is tough to figure out… they look good to me on paper but the numbers haven’t added up yet. The
good news it that the Colts offense finally got going this week and despite the low yardage numbers it appears that
Plummer will be a safe start for the rest of the season. I think Mewelde Moore will be in the lineup after his bye week
but the main issue is Andre Johnson. I thought he was a top flight wide receiver, but he’s been dreadful so far this
season. I still think PK slips into the playoffs and then, who knows?
NOT GOOD LOOKING FIVE SECOND STARE (last week: BORN TO RUN MY MOUTH)
I had a massive coronary on Sunday night but after being on the right side of those games last year and this year
(against Parker) it’s only fair to get the L against a better team. There is some room for optimism: 1) Tomlinson is
the best offensive player in the NFL since Barry Sanders, 2) Joey Galloway looks like he’s playing for Seattle again,
3) Nate Burleson (remember him?) returns in week 6, and 4) what can you say about Neil Rackers? Other than I just
jinxed him.
ONLY FOR $1 MILLION BORN TO RUN MY MOUTH (last week: FIVE SECOND STARE)
Last week was rough for the Cajun as McNabb finished with MORE THAN HALF his teams points. The Cadillac injury
is obviously the biggest concern and Ahman Green is done. His wide outs totaled less than 6 points which was a
third of what Shaun McDonald (on the bench) earned (I’m sorry Jay, am I stealing your column?). However this week
he gets to start Edwards and Randle El again and now he just has to hope Carnell gets healthy. I have a question.
With Manning playing so great, is McNabb on the block?
IF I WAS BLIND SHERMTANKS (last week: SHERMTANKS)
Tank finally had a very good week and it’s looking like his first win is just around the corner, in fact, I say it happens
this week. The problem for Tank will be the running back situation until Benson starts and Lewis stops sucking. The
good news is that Brandon Lloyd is playing better than expected and Hines Ward comes back from the bye in week
5. It also helps that Manning played like his 2004 self. Watch out for a Sherman-like late run.
GROSS PROPAGADA (last week: PROPAGANDA)
I’m starting to run out of things to say here. But there is good news here for Nick… for real… seriously… OK, I’m
lying. No, just kidding, the good news is that both running backs played really well for Nick, if they can start getting
into the end zone Nick’s going to pick up his first win soon. The bad news is that as of right now (Wednesday night)
Nick is not starting an active wide out (Robinson and Toomer are on byes and Rogers was suspended).
